Summer 2008- In Which There is no Energy Crisis, and Scott McClellan mutates....ugh.

BIG ENERGY ISSUE

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Welcome to our Big Energy Issue, in which we take a look at the greatest issue facing humanity, and instead of solving it, make fun of humanity! It’s too easy! What else can one possibly do with a species that has forgotten one of the main things that once separated us from monkeys—the ability to use our two legs to walk! As the world heats up and we run out of oil, we still think the right foot is only good for pressing “gas” or “brake.” And, when we can use drive-throughs or electric sit-down carts in the grocery store to obtain our food, we’re not too sure what the left foot is even good for any more. If anybody’s left leg is withering and falling off like that vestigial tail, please write your BNITL.

As this issue was going to press, we could not help but note two other major developments in the world: Rarely can a country boast one finalist for the year’s Most Fiction-like Absurd Little Dictator-Weenie, but this year, Myanmar has TWO, Senior General Than-Shwe and Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. This year, both are competing hard with perennial favorite Kim Jong-il of North Korea. Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be in the running for the title this year except that our own horse in the race, President Bush, has actually been taking the man seriously, which removes him from comic-book consideration and puts him in the Almost-Like-a-Real-Person category. Note to Bush: He’s loco, amigo! Mucho loco! And crazy people LOVE it when you pay attention to them. Your BNITL wonders if, when Bush talks tough to him, Ahmadinejad swoons and gets flushed.

The other development is the curious mutation of the virus known as Scott McClellan, who, after years of spending his days nesting comfortably in some crevice of President Bush, has now flown free, Alien-like, with a book that rats out everybody who ever was kind to him by not tipping over his petri dish. Which is wrong on so many levels that it’s hard to know where to start. First, he must really need a job. Like, really, really, REALLY need a job. Second, it’s just super-icky when a congenital liar tries to sign up with the other team. It’s like when a geek thinks he can score with the cool kids by giving a fellow geek a wedgie. Nice move; now the geeks hate you, too. Third, all the people who got shat upon for questioning the Iraq war and torture and other early 21^st century absurdist Bush notions are like, “Dude, thanks for coming through right in the nick of time; might’ve helped more when rednecks wanted to kick my teeth in.” Fourth, who the hell rats out their host? Seriously, call in the biologists. Think of any parasite in nature—like those remoras that stick to sharks—do you think they say to the fishing boat, “Hey! Hey you! Right here! We’re right over here! Shoot the shark!” And fifth, let’s just all admit McClellan is a pasty-faced, pudgy albino cowpie and just impossible to like on sight, forget about even waiting until he opens his gaseous little pie hole.

Cheers--
The Editirs

There is No Energy Crisis, Everything A-OK!

American Automobile Usage “Good, Good!”

By Hmong Tribesman, BNITL official White Trash Columnist

(One of the boat people who came to America in the aftermath of the Vietnam War, Hmong Tribesman has spent his time in America diligently observing American culture. However, the Refugee Resettlement Program placed him in a southern trailer park, which has heavily influenced his views on the definition of mainstream American culture. This issue, Mr. Tribesman weighs in on energy.)

Energy crisis?! Hee, hee!

In my thirty-three year here, I have learn much of your privileged class known as White Trash. I have learned of bacon double cheeseburgers, hyphenated shoppers’ paradise known as the Wal-Mart, and your remarkable double-wide! House of paradise. Confederate flag, good, yes! In fact, I have evolved a theory of double: If double, must be good! Ha! Double good! Ha, ha! So, if gas is double price of three years ago, must be good, huh? Yes, yes!

Energy crisis? Hee, hee, there no energy crisis!

Hmong prove it to you. Tell you funny story of NASCAR. Many years ago, I am not NASCAR expert right away ! Ho, ho! No, takes time. In my country, when a car goes by, we ask for ride. Years ago, young Hmong try this at the NASCAR and the cars not only go too fast, but people stop you going to the road to talk to drivers, anyway. Then I begin to see same cars come back again and again. I suspect they are lost. I think perhaps the reason they drive so fast is that they are late for an appointment. Silly Hmong!

Now, years later, Hmong an expert on NASCAR. America is land of plenty! So much gas in US and so little pollution that they invent perfect game of go-round-round-round. So much gas they use it to go nowhere!

There no energy crisis because if there an energy crisis, then America DO something about it, right? Smartest country in the world, right? Smart people not drive cars just for fun, right? Or drive big car when nobody else in it! Or pick up groceries in military vehicle named after oral sex! Or leave lights on all night, use gas in machine to blow grass clippings around, or have stores with doors open on hottest day of summer with a.c. on! No, no! So, if smartest country in the world not think there an energy crisis, there no energy crisis!

Still don’t believe Hmong? Then how about this: If there is a gas crisis, then why my neighbors have so many big cars when they live in small trailer? Wouldn’t it be other way ‘round—live in big house and have small car? Hmong’s case closed.

Planet, In Bid to Save Self, Imposes Gas Tax

Planet Earth today announced that the reason for escalating gas prices was due to its overwhelming desire to save “my sorry ass.” Earth explained to reporters that it was raising the gas tax indefinitely because, “Congress, the President and the American people are either too stupid or chicken sh—scared to do it yourselves.” Earth said, “Damn, you people can do whatever you like, I mean, go extinct for all I care. Ask me if I miss the dinosaurs, seriously. But you’re not taking me down with you.”

Earth said that the simplest explanation is that everything on the planet is finite, and that as resources get more scarce, they get more expensive, but added that, “I don’t think you people even get that concept, that you can actually run out of something. I mean, you actually think it’s a good thing that you’ve melted the Arctic because it means you can extract more oil and gas. Ay-yi-yi. So, I’ve restricted the supply all on my own. Planets can do that, you know. It’s just like I’m raising the gas tax. I raised it several times over the last few years, a little scare here, a little scare there, to give you a chance to clean up your act. But every time it dropped again, what’d you do? That’s right, you bought a new SUV. I swear that mastodons had more on the ball than you people.”

Earth continued, “I mean, for Pete’s sake, you claim you’re all patriotic and hate terrorists and bad guys, but every time you buy gas you’re throwing dollars in the face of some flea-ridden Arab dictatorship that kicks around their own people while using your money to raise the next crop of terrorists. Hey, that “USA” sticker on your F-250 looks great, buddy. I’ve got a long memory, but it’s hard to imagine what life form in my long history was dumber--maybe amoebas?”

Earth explained that there was no limit on the cost of gas. “For all I care, it can go to a thousand bucks a gallon. It’s really up to you guys. I see CO2 dropping, you’ll see gas prices dropping. It’s that simple. I can keep this up as long as you want. Your call, homo sapiens. After all, you’re just one more species to me. I’m kind of looking forward to the day ducks rule the planet. Ducks are kind of cool, and they can’t drive SUV’s. Yeah, I like ducks. … Oh, I wasn’t supposed to let that out, was I?”

Americans Forced to Decide Between Obesity and Fuel

Lament, “Nobody Told Us of This Terrible Choice!”

Pro Football Linemen Particularly At Risk

In the midst of soaring gas prices, it seemed to make sense to turn corn into fuel for America’s vehicles, at least to the nation’s politicians. That is, until people remembered that we eat corn. Now, large Americans with large vehicles are feeling the pinch, making a Sophie’s Choice between feeding their bellies and feeding their fuel tanks. “How will we maintain both our huge vehicles and our huge selves?” a Boise woman lamented. “Don’t make me choose! Don’t!” she cried before breaking down in tears. Ohio resident Bill Manford said, “This is totally bogus. Nobody told us of this so-called fuel problem … well, except for scientists, forecasters, futurists, industry insiders, academics and experts. There’s gotta be another country we can invade.” Members of Congress promised to introduce an Overrule the Laws of Physics bill to create a world in which hugeness can continue indefinitely, but few details were released.

Myanmar Authorities Finally Respond to Cyclone Crisis

Novel Beating Strategy Called a Success

In the aftermath of last May’s Cyclone Nargis, Myanmar’s ruling junta at first deployed some questionable strategies. They initially made it illegal to die via cyclone, and further, had insisted that there was no cyclone. Bloated bodies washing up on river shores proved irresponsive to the diktat, however. Subsequently, a new initiative was briefly floated which blamed the deaths on a “bad head cold going around” but the idea was quickly shot down when it was explained to the junta that, normally, people don’t die of head colds, or exhibit symptoms of drowning when they do.

As worldwide criticism grew, General Hak Soon Thong explained to reporters last week, “We needed a solution, and we needed one fast. So, we thought to ourselves, ‘Let’s play to our strengths. What do we do really well? Then, someone, I think it was General Hot Sock So, said, ‘Well, we beat people,’ and suddenly, it was like the light went off for all of us. We’ve been beating people for decades—people who want democracy, monks, people who want food, people who just want to gather in groups of four or more, you name it. If there’s one thing we know, it’s beatings.”

Calling the new strategy, “Beat the Nation,” the ruling junta subsequently sent soldiers into the streets, roads, and water-filled drainage ditches of Myanmar. “Basically, we’re beating anybody we find,” said Gen. Thong. “It’s so obvious, I’m surprised we didn’t think of it before. Over the years, we’ve gotten quite good at beating people. It’s not a simple thing, you know. There’s a lot of thought that goes into the proper beating of people, especially large groups of people. For instance, if you beat one person a certain way and he falls at your feet, it’s that much harder to get to the next person you need to beat. So, there’s an art to it.”

Now in its fifth month, Myanmar’s rulers report that the beating program has been a smashing success, with many thousands beaten so far. “It’s been very easy. The people are much weaker due to dysentery and lack of food,” said Gen. Thong. The program has been so successful in the cities that the junta has plans to extend the beating program into rural areas. “We think we have a real chance to beat everyone in the country,” said Thong.