THE BEST OF BUSH

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Was it really just eight years that G.W. Bush was our president? Seriously? Because it felt like several lifetimes. Which, we guess, proves there is a bright side to the Bush administration: If you’ve ever wanted to live for all eternity, it certainly seems like we did during the Bush years. God-damn, but was that a long time! Clearly, immortality is not all it’s cracked up to be.

In the spirit of living forever, and the spirit of laziness, your BNITL editirs have culled our favorite stories from the Bush Reign, and we’ll be releasing them all year in this, the FYPB (first year post-Bush). If you ever feel like life is moving too fast, just read one and relive the agony all over again.

Cheers!

--The Editirs

Fall 2008

As Career Wraps Up, Rice Claims, “Nobody Could Have Predicted This”

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, who has at her fingertips the daily intelligence briefings from the most extensive intelligence network in the world, has made a political career out of watching world events unfold and later exclaiming, “No one could have predicted this.” Most famously, she uttered this after 9/11, despite intelligence reports detailing the strong possibility of such an attack, and despite the fact that an attempt was indeed made to fly a plane into a nuclear plant as long ago as the 1960’s. Among several other instances, she also uttered this when, in the aftermath of the 2006 Palestinian election, which the US pushed against the wishes of most of the world, Hamas first won, then went to war against Fatah, tearing the Palestinian nation apart.

So, this morning, at a briefing, reporters asked Rice if there was, indeed, anything that a government with the most extensive—and expensive—intelligence service in the world could be expected to know ahead of time. “We believe but are not certain that turmoil will continue in the Middle East at least for the next day or two,” she said. Then, one reporter asked the Secretary of State what seemed like a softball question about the rising of the sun. “No, I don’t think anybody could have predicted that the sun would indeed rise today and shine light all around us. For that matter, who can tell if night will come this evening? If this does indeed happen, I’m not about to say we saw it coming, no sir.” Following a stunned silence, reporters began to file out of the room. Rice called after them, “What do you … or yesterday’s rain! Who could’ve predicted that? OK, well, the weather forecasters, sure, but really, how would anyone know?”

CHRISTMAS 2007

Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership!

The holidays are all about tradition, and one that we’re particularly proud of is our annual president-free noozletter. You’ve no idea of the degree of suffering it takes to give this gift, as there is just so very much to say about the man who, even after seven years sitting atop the world’s largest atomic arsenal, still can’t pronounce the word, “nuclear.” This could explain why North Korea and Iran have seemed so troublesome when asked to give up their “new-cular” programs—they had no idea what he’s talking about. (“Hey, speak ploper Engrish!” a North Korean diplomat was reported to have said). Speaking of gifts, what is the true meaning of the holidays? Why, gifts, of course! The ones you got, the ones you didn’t, the ones you want to give back, and the ones you wish existed. Covering the first two categories, the world got one big fat gift this Christmas, though it meant that Dick Cheney apparently will not get the first item on his list, which was to invade yet another country. (“But, but, but, but, I NEEEEEEED a matching set! Wahhhh!” the vice president is reported to have whined to the president. “What good is Iraq without Iran! I don’t want stinky old Iraq! Take it back,” he pouted.) The vice reportedly threw a 27 minute tantrum in the Oval Office which was interrupted only by the need for doctors to shock his heart back into rhythm. Cheney recovered himself and later announced his holiday plans to, “shoot someone in the face and later maybe see if there are any frozen cadavers in the freezer I can chew on.” In the category of gifts we want to give back, soccer star David Beckham came to the US to play soccer, which was good news for Major League Soccer, but, unfortunately, he brought his wife, Victoria Beckham, a.k.a., Posh Spice. Every time her sneering visage appears perched atop breasts seemingly inflated with some kind of deadly James Bond space compound, her strikingly sharp bones threatening to slice through her incredibly classy neoprene dresses, we turn away in horror and stupefaction screaming, ‘Please, please, let me gaze upon a blazing bus full of orphans instead!” God bless her children. And, finally, in the category of gifts we wish existed, we’d love, just once, to see a dog walking around carrying a Paris Hilton doll. When asked about “Lil’ Paris” the dog would say, “I just like to do her hair up, dress her in little matching outfits, or get her together with my friends’ Barbies, have them do massive amounts of drugs together and sleep with lots of cute guys. Sometimes, she’ll get married for 24 hours, or go through jail, drug rehab and find Jesus.” … Oh, man, would that be cool.

Hoping you get everything YOU want this Christmas!

Cheers! --The Editirs

WINTER 2007

Quotable Nazis

Your BNITL doesn’t do things like other publications. We don’t, for instance, have funnies, a crossword, or Sudoku. However, we’re proud to announce a fun new game called, Quotable Nazis! It works like this: We list a quote, and you decide which of your favorite Nazis wrote it. Today’s list of Nazis includes: Hermann Goering, Dick Cheney, Joseph Goebbels and Karl Rove.

QUOTE: “The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders… All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.”

ANSWER: No, direct-mail wizard and master of spin Karl Rove is incorrect. This was uttered by Hermann Goering.

Q: We will f**k him. Do you hear me? We will f**k him. We will ruin him. Like no one has ever f**ked him."

A: Joseph Goebbels is incorrect. Karl Rove uttered this quote about a political ally who displeased him. With friends like these …

Q: If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”

A: No, Dick Cheney, is not correct, even though he has consistently maintained that there are WMD’s in Iraq, that there were Saddam-9/11 links, and, despite a stunning lack of evidence, has also convinced much of the American public of this. And, no, Karl Rove, who managed to turn war hero John Kerry into a flip-flopping coward in the public’s eye, is incorrect. This statement is by Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels.

Q: “Go f**k yourself.”

A: While Joseph Goebbels undoubtedly said this many times, the f-bomb is a favorite among members of the Bush administration, which, as we will remember, came to the White House pledging to bring decency, meaning, apparently, that instead of f***ing interns, they would simply repress all that love and throw the word around a lot instead while invading countries and killing a lot of people. For the record, Dick Cheney uttered this on the Senate Floor to Patrick Leahy, who had the temerity to ask about Halliburton war profiteering. So, remember: If the f-bomb is dropped, as in, “Man, this administration has really f***ed America over good,” it’s usually a Bush administration person who has said it.

Q: "I've already said too much."

A: Hermann Goering is not correct. Again, while this quote is reminiscent of Sergeant Schultz of “Hogan’s Heroes” fame, and therefore would lead one to believe that a German must have said it, this was Karl Rove to a Time Magazine reporter as he was compromising American intelligence operations by ratting out Valerie Plame.

Thanks for playing!