Among such remarkable things as a gun-toting Alaskan twit--who only obtained a passport in 2006, and counted a refueling stop in Ireland as one of the countries she’s visited--being nominated for vice president, we have the Beijing Olympics, where a mere six athletes were busted for the use of illegal substances. This is a poor haul, indeed (though dozens, apparently, flunked the test for activism and were jailed). The reason it’s so disappointing is that we’re deprived of the athletes’ incredibly entertaining denials. So, as with highlight reels, let’s relive some of the great denials of the past. For instance, remember biker Tyler Hamilton? Busted after the last Olympics, he claimed his elevated testosterone levels are due to a phantom twin in the womb. Perfect for the soaps, don’t you think? We could do away with the over-used Evil Twin character: “Joshua, it wasn’t Tyler who killed your beautiful new wife that night . It was … his phantom twin!” Baseball was an Olympic sport for the last time this year, but despite being unemployed, Roger Clemens didn’t participate. Perhaps it is due to the fact that they wouldn’t promise him several hundred thousand dollars per strike, as the Yankees did last season, or maybe it was that pesky steroid thing. If he needs a job, though, the bloated, square-headed Clemens could always score a gig as a float in the Macy’s Day parade alongside his similarly-unemployed brother in ‘roids, Barry Bonds, he of the oddly circular cranium that appears always about to burst, and not with knowledge. They finally a tearful Marion Jones to jail this year, which ranked a zero on the entertainment scale, but at least that episode brought to mind fun memories of her former husband, shot-putter CJ Hunter, who several years ago cried at his Olympic press conference as he said that he would NEVER knowingly take steroids. Yet, he had flunked four tests the previous year! That’s a whole lot of not knowing. Stop us, we might hurt a rib. And that’s really, the point, isn’t it? Righteous indignation is so boring. We don’t demand honesty from our athletes, integrity from our politicians, or a sense of self-preservation from humankind (the disposable Starbucks cup and the green bumper sticker don’t cancel each other out, knucklehead), but as the world inexorably spins down the drain, we absolutely insist that all three entertain us. Hence, Merlene Ottey, the ancient Jamaican sprinter. She insisted that there surely must be a mistake and she’d be happy to take the test again. Sure, after multiple caffeine enemas and a patented Keith Richards-style blood transfusion. Not to mention standing on a street corner holding an empty cup saying, “Say, buddy, can you spare some urine?” Ah, memories! Keep ‘em coming, folks. Please! With gun-toting, oil-loving, absentee-parenting, global-warming-denying yahoos being touted as first-class vice presidential candidates, we need the laughs. God, do we ever.
In the spirit of full disclosure, your editirs categorically deny ever using steroids to enhance performance. Are you kidding? This noozletter sucks!
Cheers—The Editirs
Big Hopes Quickly Fade For Olympic Champions
Medal Winners in Equestrian, Archery, Field Hockey Events Bewildered At Lack of Big Money Offers
For the 29th straight time, US Olympic athletes with high hopes for major endorsement deals have been disappointed. “I’d have thought that after sweeping the Women’s Individual Sabre, we’d at least be on the freakin’ Wheaties box, said gold winner Mariel Zagunis. “But when I got back to my home town, they didn’t even know I’d left.” The Women’s Eight With Coxswain team unanimously agreed, though they conceded that perhaps it was an ominous sign that no one saw their event but judges and a few Chinese prisoners. Vincent Hancock, who took gold in the Men’s Skeet, expressed similar disappointment. “All the training, all the hours, and I’m just going to have to go back to work in the gun shop. I’d think that at least I’d have my own cable show.” The Equestrian Mixed team, which took gold, “thought” they saw Kobe Bryant once in the Olympic Village, but they weren’t sure. In any case, “he didn’t seem interested in comparing medals,” they said. The US took a silver in the Mixed Finn, but Zach Railey said that, far harder than training for it is explaining what it is. His silver effort was aided by the fact that only three people in the world, apparently, participate in the event. “Yeah, but I was NOT going home with the bronze,” said Railey. “No %^$#-ing way.” Embarrassing for the athletes was an unsightly tussle Railey got into with Men’s Double Trap gold winner Walton Eller as they argued over who’s sport was the true “loser sport.” Jason Turner, bronze medal winner in the Men’s 10M Air Pistol event, tried to break it up by firing into the air, but was ignored. “It’s an air gun, but it shoots real bullets, you guys!” he screamed, to no avail. RICE RECORD REMAINS PERFECT
Secretary of State Forming Entire Career on Fallback Phrase
In the wake of the Russian response to Georgia’s Big Dumb Idea of attacking South Ossetia, a region which has never belonged to Georgia, Condoleeza Rice claimed that the Russian invasion was entirely surprising and unprecedented, despite the fact that the administration had also been trying to make Georgia, which borders Russia, into a NATO ally. “There was simply no way anyone could have seen this coming,” she said, “especially during the Olympics when everyone’s attention was elsewhere.”With that utterance, Secretary of State Rice, who has at her fingertips the daily intelligence briefings from the most extensive intelligence network in the world, improved her record to a perfect 0-87 in terms of apparently having the slightest idea what’s going on in the world.
Major political figures often leave behind famous quotes in their wake. Abraham Lincoln said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Ronald Reagan said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” Rice will go down in history as the secretary of state who made a political career of out watching world events unfold and later exclaiming, “No one could have predicted this.”
Like a child who utters some phrase to the delight of adults and then chooses to say it again and again (generally to diminished enthusiasm), Rice first tried out her famous phrase after 9/11, when, despite the fact that intelligence reports detailed the strong possibility of such an attack, and despite the fact that an attempt was made to fly a plane into a nuclear plant as long ago as the 1960’s, Rice told the world, “No one could have predicted this.” Seeing how easily this got her off the hook, Rice has employed the phrase dozens of times since then, including in the aftermath of the disastrous 2006 Palestinian election, which the US pushed over the wishes of most of the world and which resulted in Hamas and Fatah tearing the region apart. Like the Bud Light, “Wassup?” the Fonz uttering, “Heyyyyy,” or Gary Coleman asking his TV brother, “What choo talkin’ bout, Willis?” Rice has used her, “No one could have predicted this” at different occasions both public and personal, including the arrival of presents at birthday parties, the arrival of food at dinner parties, and the arrival of invited guests to her own home.
So, this morning, at a briefing, reporters asked Rice if there was, indeed, anything that a government with the most expensive intelligence service in the world could be expected to know ahead of time. “We believe but are not certain that turmoil will continue in the Middle East at least for the next day or two,” she said. Then, one reporter asked the Secretary of State what seemed like a softball question about the rising of the sun. “No, I don’t think anybody could have predicted that the sun would indeed rise today and shine its light all around us. For that matter, who can tell if night will come this evening? If this does indeed happen, I’m not about to say we saw it coming, no sir.”
When asked what she planned to do when the Bush administration leaves office, Rice said, “What? The president only gets two terms? No one could have predicted this.”
McCain Reveals VP Strategy
Once Again, Media Gets it Wrong
Amid a swirl of commentary regarding the reasoning behind his pick of Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain announced today that the reason for choosing Palin was “way simpler than guns or abstinence or oil or disaffected Hillary fans … it’s because she’s 44, you dopes! He then went on to explain the concept of averages. “When I started this campaign, I was 25 years older than my opponent. Then, my opponent made a fatal mistake—he chose an old guy as his running mate, raising his average age to 56. I have deftly swept in for the kill by picking the youngest somewhat qualified person I could find, and now my average age is just 58! Take that, Barack!” McCain denied rumors that he considered asking Lindsay Lohan to be his running mate. Biden, who at 65 is at the official federal retirement age, bristled at being called, “On average, too young for the job.” He told reporters, “I’m old, damn it. I’m old!” McCain also explained that, on average, his team is now 50% less likely to get prostate cancer.
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