Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership! And welcome to our big Holiday/ Healthcare issue! But first, a few words of thanks for another wonderful year to some special individuals. Let’s all admit it: In a gross-out horror movie kind of way, the Bush era was kinda fun-. Oh, come on, sure it was! PLUS it met the BNITL entertainment standard, which goes like this: We do not expect our elected officials to look out for the citizenry’s best interests, but we absolutely insist that they entertain us. And, boy did they ever! We had votes to go invade dusty little countries for no discernible reason, yellow-ribbon car magnets, politicians sticking American flag lapel pins on themselves like middle schoolers at a model U.N. conference, torture being discussed as if it were actually a sane option employed by rational people… And then … Obama came along, the man who apparently models himself on the Peanuts character, Linus, he of the Most Sincere Pumpkin Patch ever.What would happen? Would Fox go silent? Would the Palinish, entitled but entitlement-hating hate lobby somehow realize that a national policy centered on corporate adventurism, creationism, environmental destruction and Dick Cheney’s serious need fro Paxil and warm milk, tire of being poked, like African predators and alpine bears being prepped for a Coliseum matinee, tuck their non-vestigial tails between their legs and decide, “Hey! Maybe someone done us wrong!”
Heck, no! In fact, this year alone, ratings on Fox are up a reported 50% as the nation rallies itself to cast off the shackles of a healthy environment, CO2 limits, the rule of law, and our topic of the season … healthcare reform!
So, we’re off to the races again, except this time on steroids, and (since this is the season for this sort of thing) THANK THE GOOD BABY LORD JESUS! For nothing bores us like the slow corporate takeover of our lives accented by PR-firm-written expressions of outrage by politicians over something like yet another—yawn—corporate banking bonus paid for with taxpayer money.
How boring would it be, for instance, to watch a massive, “It’s OK If You’re Massive, You’ll Get Health Insurance Anyway” plan just slip on through the House, followed by the “No, Go Ahead and Have Another Corn-Syrup Coke, We’ll Take Care of Your Poor Life Choices” add-on from the Senate? All paid for with Chinese money. No, it’s far more interesting to watch the rabid badgers of the right scratch, claw and shriek at President Van Pelt’s mild suggestion of a public option. After all, paying 10%-30% of one’s annual income for the right to be denied coverage is something worth fighting for. Rock on, Tea Party people!
And, our cup runneth over: The health insurance industry, after months of offering mild concessions and buddying up to the administration, couldn’t ignore the full moon forever and sprouted hair, claws and fangs and tore into healthcare reform as if reform were a voluptuous teen making that one bad choice to leave the party and follow that strange noise in the woods. (Best Lie: The public option will be expensive … Uh, compared with what?) Our ribs are sore! (We’ll attribute it to laughter, even if it is a serious disease. Same difference in terms of coverage, anyway).
Many issues ago, your BNITL put out a plea for more funny people to become Republicans, as Republican humor tends to be mean and dumb, like what geeks use on lesser geeks in high school (we will recall the “Obama the Magic Negro” song promoted by the man who actually was being considered as head of the RNC). And, by staking out a position that favors deficits caused by foreign, unexplainable wars but fights healthcare and environmental reform as if it were Santa Ana’s Mexican army coming over the walls of the Alamo determined to take American jobs, well, darn it, Republicans, you’ve done it! You’ve gone and turned funny on us! And so, a sincere thanks from the bottom of our ink-stained little hearts. Your gift of unashamed, straight-faced anything-the-Dems-want-we-want-the-reverse-even-if-that-means-supporting-puppy-crushing is more than we could ever ask for, and we look forward to telling our disbelieving grandchildren every word: Your grandfather walked both ways uphill in a snowstorm to school … and there was once a political party called, “Republicans” that, before going extinct, did and said the most amazing things …”. A very merry Christmas, pachyderms; and thank you for the joy!
Holiday Cheers—
The Editirs
PS: Special anonymous Christmas wish: Please give Joe Lieberman to the Republicans for Christmas.
FROSTY SPEAKS …
For the Fifth *&^%!—ng Time
EDITIRS’ DISCLAIMER: There are so many holiday traditions that are nice, family-friendly, gentle, and G-rated. This, grimly, is not one of them. Your BNITL made a tragic error five years ago this month: We asked an out-of-work Frosty the Snowman to be a guest columnist. His crude, raving take on the holidays shocked and dismayed us, but, call it a kind of black Christmas miracle--the otherwise literate, highly refined readers of this BNITL clamored for more. Each year, as we allow this sclerotic, corpulent, bilious old snowman his forum from which to hurl down his expletive-filled tirades like a blizzard of f-bomb snowballs, we cringe, and we fear we are complicit in the erosion of other fine holiday traditions. But, we have yielded to you, the vox populi, and hence, we’ve brought Frosty back to yell at you again.Yo, s’up? You want to know what’s really frosting my a—this holiday season? Read it, baby.
Photo Cards: Excuse me? You think snapping a digital photo of your dog with a bow on his stupid head and pre-printing some insipid greeting is a Christmas card? What’s next? Pre-printed thank-you notes?
Guilt Cards: Seriously, losers, what’s up with sending a last-minute guilt card because somebody sent you one? I’m so touched by your writer’s-cramped, “Merry Christmas”. Hey, it’s not a fr---ng NEW YEAR’S card.
Hermetically-Sealed Gifts: Last year, I got on the a—of manufacturers who use half the world’s crude oil to make impenetrable packaging. But here’s the other problem: Say I get one of those dumbf—k packages. The only way to open it is with something sharp, right? Now, say the razor blade I need to cut the impenetrable package open is in another impenetrable package. Who’s f---ed? I’m f---ed! Especially if the first thing is something sharp, like a utility blade, in which case I’m triple-f---ed because I’m fr----ing seriously pissed. Why do people want to f—k the F-Man? Why?
Flying During the Holidays: What is it with you people who march onto a full plane, late, carrying six items, one of them a prize pig with boots on, and expect them to fit in the tiny overhead bin? Why do you always look so surprised? This isn’t 1975, you twit! Newsflash: 200 people had your same idea and took up all the bins with THEIR six items and prize pigs before you. Seriously, what is wrong with you? The goddamned airline has already made us sit and wait while they’re super-gluing on a wing or waking a drunk pilot. What, are you trying to build your own delay? My god, you people should be branded “stupid” on your foreheads and never allowed to fly again. And let me mention the F-Man’s luggage policy: If that bag doesn’t fit in the bin, let me try and fit it up your a--.
Listen, that’s it for now from the F-Man. I’d say, Merry Christmas, but you people will totally find a way to f--k it up for me.
--Frosty
2009 Commemorative Christmas Plates Are In!
Just in time for the holidays, your BNITL is pleased to make available to you the Official BNITL 2009 Christmas Plate. Our own staff artiste, Clyde Monet, has once again teamed up with the Franklin Mint, the Lennox Collection, the Bradford Exchange, renowned cat artist Nancy Matthews and Thomas Kincaid, Painter of Light, to bring you some wonderful group art, and this is your one-time-only chance to get this sure-to-become-a-classic. Entitled, “The Trees’ Christmas”, this delightful plate, suitable for holding up to rectangular cracker, features a playful twist on the tradition of holiday socializing. The artiste described his latest masterwork thusly: “I was just thinking one day, like, what if Christmas trees were in charge of Christmas? What would they have in their living room? Why, a decapitated head, of course! But, you know, I don’t think a decapitated human has to be all nasty or anything. I would totally eat food off that plate.Monet, BNITL’s staff artiste and keeper of bodily smells, has depicted three trees smoking and having drinks around the head, which sits in a tree stand. Monet said that his plate would appeal to all ages, including children. “Severed heads can be pretty funny if you look at them right. And maybe it’s time we looked at severed heads a little differently, and maybe I’m the guy to do that. A lotta great, like, art can be controversial and sh-t at first.”
This limited-edition plate series is sure to increase in value many thousands of times upon purchase. If sold in stores, this instant-classic holiday plate would likely retail for over $6,000. But it’s yours for just $29.95. Order today!
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