HOLIDAY EDITION 2009!In Which We Skewer the Holidays, Healthcare Reform and Air Travel

(Want to see the noozletter in print, the way it was meant to be seen? Find page one HERE and page two HERE...so THERE.)



Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership! And welcome to our big Holiday/ Healthcare issue! But first, a few words of thanks for another wonderful year to some special individuals. Let’s all admit it: In a gross-out horror movie kind of way, the Bush era was kinda fun-. Oh, come on, sure it was! PLUS it met the BNITL entertainment standard, which goes like this: We do not expect our elected officials to look out for the citizenry’s best interests, but we absolutely insist that they entertain us. And, boy did they ever! We had votes to go invade dusty little countries for no discernible reason, yellow-ribbon car magnets, politicians sticking American flag lapel pins on themselves like middle schoolers at a model U.N. conference, torture being discussed as if it were actually a sane option employed by rational people… And then … Obama came along, the man who apparently models himself on the Peanuts character, Linus, he of the Most Sincere Pumpkin Patch ever.

What would happen? Would Fox go silent? Would the Palinish, entitled but entitlement-hating hate lobby somehow realize that a national policy centered on corporate adventurism, creationism, environmental destruction and Dick Cheney’s serious need fro Paxil and warm milk, tire of being poked, like African predators and alpine bears being prepped for a Coliseum matinee, tuck their non-vestigial tails between their legs and decide, “Hey! Maybe someone done us wrong!”

Heck, no! In fact, this year alone, ratings on Fox are up a reported 50% as the nation rallies itself to cast off the shackles of a healthy environment, CO2 limits, the rule of law, and our topic of the season … healthcare reform!
So, we’re off to the races again, except this time on steroids, and (since this is the season for this sort of thing) THANK THE GOOD BABY LORD JESUS! For nothing bores us like the slow corporate takeover of our lives accented by PR-firm-written expressions of outrage by politicians over something like yet another—yawn—corporate banking bonus paid for with taxpayer money.
How boring would it be, for instance, to watch a massive, “It’s OK If You’re Massive, You’ll Get Health Insurance Anyway” plan just slip on through the House, followed by the “No, Go Ahead and Have Another Corn-Syrup Coke, We’ll Take Care of Your Poor Life Choices” add-on from the Senate? All paid for with Chinese money. No, it’s far more interesting to watch the rabid badgers of the right scratch, claw and shriek at President Van Pelt’s mild suggestion of a public option. After all, paying 10%-30% of one’s annual income for the right to be denied coverage is something worth fighting for. Rock on, Tea Party people!

And, our cup runneth over: The health insurance industry, after months of offering mild concessions and buddying up to the administration, couldn’t ignore the full moon forever and sprouted hair, claws and fangs and tore into healthcare reform as if reform were a voluptuous teen making that one bad choice to leave the party and follow that strange noise in the woods. (Best Lie: The public option will be expensive … Uh, compared with what?) Our ribs are sore! (We’ll attribute it to laughter, even if it is a serious disease. Same difference in terms of coverage, anyway).

Many issues ago, your BNITL put out a plea for more funny people to become Republicans, as Republican humor tends to be mean and dumb, like what geeks use on lesser geeks in high school (we will recall the “Obama the Magic Negro” song promoted by the man who actually was being considered as head of the RNC). And, by staking out a position that favors deficits caused by foreign, unexplainable wars but fights healthcare and environmental reform as if it were Santa Ana’s Mexican army coming over the walls of the Alamo determined to take American jobs, well, darn it, Republicans, you’ve done it! You’ve gone and turned funny on us! And so, a sincere thanks from the bottom of our ink-stained little hearts. Your gift of unashamed, straight-faced anything-the-Dems-want-we-want-the-reverse-even-if-that-means-supporting-puppy-crushing is more than we could ever ask for, and we look forward to telling our disbelieving grandchildren every word: Your grandfather walked both ways uphill in a snowstorm to school … and there was once a political party called, “Republicans” that, before going extinct, did and said the most amazing things …”. A very merry Christmas, pachyderms; and thank you for the joy!

Holiday Cheers—
The Editirs

PS: Special anonymous Christmas wish: Please give Joe Lieberman to the Republicans for Christmas.



FROSTY SPEAKS …
For the Fifth *&^%!—ng Time

EDITIRS’ DISCLAIMER: There are so many holiday traditions that are nice, family-friendly, gentle, and G-rated. This, grimly, is not one of them. Your BNITL made a tragic error five years ago this month: We asked an out-of-work Frosty the Snowman to be a guest columnist. His crude, raving take on the holidays shocked and dismayed us, but, call it a kind of black Christmas miracle--the otherwise literate, highly refined readers of this BNITL clamored for more. Each year, as we allow this sclerotic, corpulent, bilious old snowman his forum from which to hurl down his expletive-filled tirades like a blizzard of f-bomb snowballs, we cringe, and we fear we are complicit in the erosion of other fine holiday traditions. But, we have yielded to you, the vox populi, and hence, we’ve brought Frosty back to yell at you again.

Yo, s’up? You want to know what’s really frosting my a—this holiday season? Read it, baby.

Photo Cards: Excuse me? You think snapping a digital photo of your dog with a bow on his stupid head and pre-printing some insipid greeting is a Christmas card? What’s next? Pre-printed thank-you notes?

Guilt Cards: Seriously, losers, what’s up with sending a last-minute guilt card because somebody sent you one? I’m so touched by your writer’s-cramped, “Merry Christmas”. Hey, it’s not a fr---ng NEW YEAR’S card.


Hermetically-Sealed Gifts: Last year, I got on the a—of manufacturers who use half the world’s crude oil to make impenetrable packaging. But here’s the other problem: Say I get one of those dumbf—k packages. The only way to open it is with something sharp, right? Now, say the razor blade I need to cut the impenetrable package open is in another impenetrable package. Who’s f---ed? I’m f---ed! Especially if the first thing is something sharp, like a utility blade, in which case I’m triple-f---ed because I’m fr----ing seriously pissed. Why do people want to f—k the F-Man? Why?

Flying During the Holidays: What is it with you people who march onto a full plane, late, carrying six items, one of them a prize pig with boots on, and expect them to fit in the tiny overhead bin? Why do you always look so surprised? This isn’t 1975, you twit! Newsflash: 200 people had your same idea and took up all the bins with THEIR six items and prize pigs before you. Seriously, what is wrong with you? The goddamned airline has already made us sit and wait while they’re super-gluing on a wing or waking a drunk pilot. What, are you trying to build your own delay? My god, you people should be branded “stupid” on your foreheads and never allowed to fly again. And let me mention the F-Man’s luggage policy: If that bag doesn’t fit in the bin, let me try and fit it up your a--.

Listen, that’s it for now from the F-Man. I’d say, Merry Christmas, but you people will totally find a way to f--k it up for me.

--Frosty


2009 Commemorative Christmas Plates Are In!


Just in time for the holidays, your BNITL is pleased to make available to you the Official BNITL 2009 Christmas Plate. Our own staff artiste, Clyde Monet, has once again teamed up with the Franklin Mint, the Lennox Collection, the Bradford Exchange, renowned cat artist Nancy Matthews and Thomas Kincaid, Painter of Light, to bring you some wonderful group art, and this is your one-time-only chance to get this sure-to-become-a-classic. Entitled, “The Trees’ Christmas”, this delightful plate, suitable for holding up to rectangular cracker, features a playful twist on the tradition of holiday socializing. The artiste described his latest masterwork thusly: “I was just thinking one day, like, what if Christmas trees were in charge of Christmas? What would they have in their living room? Why, a decapitated head, of course! But, you know, I don’t think a decapitated human has to be all nasty or anything. I would totally eat food off that plate.

Monet, BNITL’s staff artiste and keeper of bodily smells, has depicted three trees smoking and having drinks around the head, which sits in a tree stand. Monet said that his plate would appeal to all ages, including children. “Severed heads can be pretty funny if you look at them right. And maybe it’s time we looked at severed heads a little differently, and maybe I’m the guy to do that. A lotta great, like, art can be controversial and sh-t at first.”



This limited-edition plate series is sure to increase in value many thousands of times upon purchase. If sold in stores, this instant-classic holiday plate would likely retail for over $6,000. But it’s yours for just $29.95. Order today!

FALL 2009 In which the Editirs address Afgahnistan, Aliens, Ben Bernake, and Albert Feclker weighs in

To print page one, click here
To print page two, click here

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Today, your editirs would like to use this space to weigh in on a serious matter. To this point in time, we have categorically denied the possibility of UFO’s for all the reasons obvious to anyone but those who, say, think public healthcare is some kind of insidious idea cooked up, variously, by Nazis, communists, gays, black people and evolutionists. To wit: How could UFO’s possibly get here in a universe so vast? Why in heaven’s name would they want to? If they could get here from millions of light-years away, how is it they can’t evade our simple radar systems? How could such advanced spacecraft, able to negotiate aspects of physics and propulsion not even imagined on Earth, manage to get all the way here--and then crash? And, if they could get here, not be detected on radar and not crash, who’s to say they wouldn’t be the size of tiny insects with correspondingly tiny laser weapons that they’re firing constantly, even while we kill them by the millions as we stroll through the yard barefoot, holding a beer?

Bug I: Large pale hairy object approaching! Activate the Almighty Death Weapon!
BUG II: Not the Almighty Death Weapon! It’s never been used and reportedly is so powerful that it could create its own black hole!
BUG I: The object was warned. Activate the ray!
(SFX: Ray being fired.)
BUG I: The ray’s having affect whatsoever! Impossible!
BUG II: It’s been an honor serviing with you, sir! AIIIIEEEEEE!
BUG I: ‘Tis a smelly death. ARRRGH!
(SFX: Tiny, inaudible double splat.)

And yet, Dr. Albert Feckler, BNITL staff scientist from the Univ. of Trout in Trout Hill, MN (“Troutam ad Gloriam”) has come to us with the most compelling theory of the existence of UFO’s we’ve ever seen. Dr. Feckler has been researching the incredibly efficient calorie-ingestion system we enjoy here in 21st century America (otherwise known as eating habits), which is marked by three striking features: One, we expend merely 1/100th of the calories we eat in pursuit of those calories. Two, with cars and automation everywhere, even the most basic form of exercise is entirely optional. And, three, our calories, which used to come dispersed in fruits, nuts, berries and scrawny wild animals, are now super-concentrated in delivery systems as advanced as super-sized colas (it’s far more difficult to drink three cups of sugar in crystal form), triple-cheese bacon burgers and the like. Called the Veal Theory, Dr. Feckler speculates that aliens are fattening us up for eating. … Damn, said we editirs one to the other. The man makes sense! We DO believe in aliens! Next time ET phones home, it’ll be to ask, “May I take your order?”

Bottoms up! --The Editirs



U.S. Considers Pulling out of Afghanistan, American South

Obama administration officials announced today that they are undertaking a “broad reassessment” of America’s foreign commitments. According to one official, , this includes, “Afghanistan and most of the sun belt states.” He continued, “We think a 150-year occupation certainly shows our mettle and desire to help, but it’s clear we’re just not making much of a difference.

“Look, the British were there before we were. The Spanish. The French. All their efforts ended in futility. We might as well face it—the people of that region just don’t want us there. … Oh, and things aren’t going so great in Afghanistan, either.”

The issue, according to administration officials, is that nation-building is now a discredited concept. “A country cannot simply remake the customs and traditions of another country. If people want to live in a gun-filled, violent society where strict religious law supplants the courts and where the most heinous acts are carried out in the name of some vengeful deity, then we should just let the South do what they want. And, let’s be frank: Afghanistan’s not much better.”

Noting the tax collection and federal dollar distribution diparities between red and blue states, the official said, “The American taxpayers have been generous and they have been patient. But in times of fiscal restraint, hard choices have to be made. Look, for 150 years, the United States government has poured American tax dollars into these beleaguered regions, and where has it gotten us? Our tanner neighbors to the vote against just about every sensible thing government does. It’s clear that most of our southern friends simply aren’t interested in environmental regulations, tax reform, global warming, the rule of law, separation of church and state, campaign finance reform or other things governments do. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

When asked if the latest rancor over healthcare reform was part of the decision, Hall said, “Well, OK, maybe that was the last straw. Maybe the next time they get sick, prayer will save their sorry ass. Look, water under the bridge. We’re pulling out. Start up the helicopters ”

The official continued, “It is the position of this administration that it is the inalienable right of every sovereign nation to determine its own disastrous path. But we want to assure our good friends in Afghanistan and the American sunbelt that we’ll be there with food aid and medical services the next time a disaster strikes … which it will. We won’t forget you. Well, not entirely.”

(PIC: Flag: “Common Sense? Over Our Dead Bodies!”)



Nation Shows Signs of Recovery from Facebook

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today announced that he is confident that the nation is finally emerging from the severe recession. But, he warned, “We must hold certain parties responsible for plunging the country into this crisis. I speak, of course, of Facebook users.”

Bernanke said that, contrary to initial reports, the crisis was not caused by financial firms. “No, it seems the good people at AIG, Merrell Lynch and so on were pretty much just doing their jobs. Facebook was really the sucker punch that took the economy down. All of a sudden, people stopped doing work at work.”

The study concluded that worker productivity dropped an average of 70% during that time, peaking at 99.99%, meaning that at one time, only one in one thousand American workers was actually getting anything done. “The only question,” said, Bernanke, “is, who were these few thousand American workers? Because they pretty much saved the world from economic collapse.”

In an independent survey of the approximately one in one thousand people who did their jobs from January of 2008 through July of 2009, respondents overwhelmingly agreed with the statement:

“I am able to get a lot more work done because friends and family aren’t bothering me with junk e-mail as often. They’re using Facebook to send each other their annoying political diatribes, stupid jokes and nauseating chain mail.”

Based on that research, some experts theorize that Facebook has actually enabled some people --who could not possibly care less about, “what I’m doing right now” and think an appropriate answer might be, “How about going to hell?”--to reach unprecedented levels of job productivity.

While marketing industry professionals have steadily promoted Facebook as a way to get on seminar panels, Bernanke said, they’re ignoring a fundamental business conundrum which he calls the Facebook Contradiction: “People go onto Facebook to network and make business contacts, right? But anyone busy doing business does not have time to be on Facebook. So, it’s kind of like the blind leading the … well, losers. I wish I could be kinder, but think “marriageable prospect” and then think, “singles bar.”

Economists have now coined the term, “Facebook Effect” to explain how low worker productivity led to decreased consumer spending, which in turn led to the slowdown in the manufacturing industry, which led to job loss, which then led to the mortgage crisis.

“We think we’re out of the worst of it now,” said Bernanke, but he cautioned, “If Facebook comes up with a new widget that allows people to engage each other in a new way, we’re most probably toast.”

In a related story, Facebook today announced, “Pet Poo,” an application that allows users to upload and share pictures of their pets’ poop, to name them, cartoonize them, and even make the poo speak. World markets fell at the news.

SPRING 2009

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Throughout the halls of Congress echoes the cry, “Yes—We—Can … Totally Prove Ourselves Not Up to the Task Of Governing!” While this is likely absurd hyperbole, it’s difficult to recall a time when Washington (the capital, not the District of Columbia, the man or the state) was more dedicated to sheer inanity. Congress, which goes on break more often than flunking college students, left a week before Easter for the “Easter Recess” (must have been a lot of eggs that needed coloring). And the thing is, this is actually good! Because the more they hang around, the more sheer vainglorious vacuity they display as they strut about like peacocks confusing TV cameras for members of the opposite sex. A little less strutting and a lot more, oh, banishment throughout eternity to a distant planet would be most welcome in the case of Nancy Pelosi, who has distinguished her tiny little self by first squashing all talk of investigating the Bush administration’s many “youthful indiscretions” with the law, and now by working to squash all talk of reinstating the assault weapons ban. To paraphrase Randy Newman, “Short people got… big weapons?” With friends like these, who needs Democrats?

Thank goodness the utter craven insipidity knows no party boundaries. Republicans have taken to acting like villains in the old Bat Man TV show, always hatching wacky schemes to try to foul up Batman, aka, the president, and inevitably doomed to be thwarted mostly because they’re just, well, so … unbelievably, irredeemably, irretrievably, inexplicably, bafflingly, confoundingly, bombastically stupid. Holy god these people are stupid. To wit: Republican governors “refusing” stimulus money (while counting on their state legislatures to overrule them). Republican senators voting against the stimulus bill (then returning home bragging about how much money they’re bringing back to their districts). Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, in the tone of an alien pod person mainlining Prozac, telling the nation that monitoring volcanoes is a Democratic waste of taxpayer money (after all, what harm have volcanoes ever done humanity?). And, Republican Congress people trying to pin stimulus money mismanagement on hapless, and (pick your poison) either stupid or corrupt Timothy Geithner (when they voted for the bailout funds without attaching any conditions to prevent morons who mismanage money from mismanaging more money).

On the other hand, what would YOU do if someone took your perfectly respectable party, and, as with a body’s vital fluids, drained it of everything it stood for such as small government, limited foreign intervention, fiscal responsibility and individual rights, and replaced those fluids with simple sugars, caffeine and steroids in the form of religious wackos, rednecks, corporate man-love and wars? Our gosh, what an ugly, lurching critter you’d have created for yourself! (What do zombies always seek? Brains! Coincidence? We think not). So, now, the Republican party apparently stands for the scratch-ticket hope that Obama will stumble into a crisis of his own making (too early to tell, but looking doubtful), or that the Democrats will get fat, happy, shrill and ridiculous (absolutely certain) at which point, the big bloated thing can Franken-walk back in to the party and have the guests say, “Well, hel-LO, handsome!” Doesn’t sound like much of a plan, but then, neither was Iraq, Afghanistan, torture, domestic spying, corporate giveaways, global warming, species extinction, mountain top removal, religious nuts making national policy, and oh, we don’t have enough space in this noozletter to list it all.

This publication has oft stated that we don’t expect our elected officials to actually DO anything for us, but we absolutely insist that they entertain us, and they’re not even doing that these days. They say truth is stranger than fiction. We would add, as well, that it’s a lot stupider. For example: As everything burns right behind them, the increasingly absurdist Congress keeps saying, “Hey, watch this!” and tries to distract us with cheap magic and card tricks such as showering down “outrage” upon AIG, whose bonuses represent about .0000001% of the stimulus money paid out. (How about Congress instead read up on hedge funds and figure out how to fix the SEC, for starters? Just a thought.

The other thing about fiction is that there are usually good guys and bad guys. But in this case, everybody’s just a stupid guy! For instance, to explain the bonuses, AIG’s Edward Liddy told Congress that if AIG didn’t pay out the money, they couldn’t retain the people needed to untangle the mess … that they created in the first place. Meanwhile, AIG’s bonused executives are quitting (thanks for sticking around to bravely clean up the mess, guys!). And AIG is employing more of their big brains (and, naturally, taxpayer money) in their newest strategy—a name change! That should solve everything. Here’s some free advice for AIG: Instead, use the money to bribe the rest of the big brains to leave! Anything. Give ‘em cars, houses, golden parachutes. Like Congress, just get ‘em out of the building. And, here’s a question: Considering that the bailout funds given to AIG now represent several billion more dollars than the company is worth, how is it that AIG was “too big to fail”?. Couldn’t we have just waited and bought it at a fire sale? The government clearly doesn’t know how to bargain-hunt.

Cheers—

The Editirs

Media Finally Achieve Goal of Destroying Economy

Every morning, no matter what news outlet they choose, Americans wake up to the same story line: America’s economy is wretched and we’re terribly screwed (except on Fox, where the story is that America’s economy is wretched and we’re terribly screwed and it is somehow the fault of the Clinton Administration.) After months of daily water-torture repetition, news media representatives jubilantly reported that they’d finally achieved the historic victory over common sense which they so desperately sought: Depressing the living hell out of everybody.

“This is an historic victory,” said a representative from a major TV network. “We’ve driven the world economy into the toilet.”

Representatives of the world’s biggest news outlets, including CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, CNN, the New York Times and others gathered recently to toast their historic victory over the forces of reason. In a joint statement, they claimed, “It’s been a long, hard fight, but we felt that if we just kept our message consistent, eventually we could bring the world economy to its knees.”

The latest economic figures confirmed the victory. “After two years of talking about whether the US was in a recession, the media finally made it come true. Unemployment is up, lending is down, and credit is increasingly hard to obtain. What an amazing day this is,” said an NPR executive.

The victory represented coordination of an “unprecedented level,” said the unnamed TV network executive. “We all had to either stick to the story or the story wouldn’t stick.”

Against all logic, contrary to simple observation, and despite the fact that Americans are better off than at any time in human history, with over nine in ten Americans still employed, the media have managed to persuade the world that Americans are all apparently all going to be shuffling in rags on their way to a soup kitchen, even though the route to that soup kitchen is likely to be a busy highway jammed with expensive SUV’s on their way to work or shopping.

Asked just why the news media had an interest in taking out the world’s economy, another executive said, “Well, it’s all about ratings. 9/11 worked for a while, but people got tired of that always-on-the-edge-of-your-seat thing. Iraq just got on people’s nerves after awhile. It’s really too much to ask Britney Spears to carry the load—I mean, how many problems can one woman have? And, even though it was a great four years, the presidential campaign had to end some time. But comparing minor economic woes to the Great Depression, now that was a story with legs. It seems that people just can’t get enough of misery. Our ratings are through the roof!”

The conference ended on a jubilant note, with a CBS vice president exulting, “Internet, Shminternet. I think we’ve put to rest the rumors about the decline of old media. Let’s see a bunch of bloggers in bathrobes take down the entire world economy!”

Republican Party Supports Affirmative Action for Republican Party

In a policy turnaround, over the last several months, the Republican party has enthusiastically embraced affirmative action—for the Republican party. Despite a long history of decrying the purported excesses of a system that allegedly awards jobs or slots in college based on race or gender versus talent, the GOP has changed course “If women and minorities are to compete on an equal footing with Anglo-Saxon men in the Republican party, they need a hand up,” said party spokesman Chad Smith. Smith vigorously denied that the sudden elevation of previously unknown figures such as Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal and Michael Steele had anything to do with the fact that the Democrats now feature such prominent figures as Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. Smith further claimed, “This is nothing like, say, the comics where you have, like a bad Spider-Man taking on the good version, or the anti-Wonder Woman who dresses in black and a little slutty.” Despite the fact that the RNC apparently sprung Alan Keyes from the crazy house to run against Obama for the Illinois Senate seat in 2004, Smith said, “I categorically deny that Alan had his own cape made for the campaign. And yes, it certainly IS the widlest coincidence that the very best Republican candidate in all of Illinois (pop. 12,852,548) just happened to be another black man.”

While he vigorously disputed the notion that the new Republican affirmative action initiative was really racial quotas in disguise, Smith did say, “If you have dark skin and a foreign-sounding name, basically you’re in like Flynn—or should I say, “Semooch Vijay Abdallah Chang Flynn” he added, laughing. Smith also called, “unfounded” the rumor that, if Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal wasn’t available to deliver the opposing viewpoint to the president’s first major speech, the next Republican minority anyone could find was an assistant county representative to the Nebraska state Republican party named Chet Wang.

However, in what may be a setback for the Republican party, national census polling data show that, in the wake of national exposure surrounding Jindal, Steele, and Palin, apparently, fewer Americans are identifying themselves as Indian, black or female.

THE BEST OF BUSH

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Was it really just eight years that G.W. Bush was our president? Seriously? Because it felt like several lifetimes. Which, we guess, proves there is a bright side to the Bush administration: If you’ve ever wanted to live for all eternity, it certainly seems like we did during the Bush years. God-damn, but was that a long time! Clearly, immortality is not all it’s cracked up to be.

In the spirit of living forever, and the spirit of laziness, your BNITL editirs have culled our favorite stories from the Bush Reign, and we’ll be releasing them all year in this, the FYPB (first year post-Bush). If you ever feel like life is moving too fast, just read one and relive the agony all over again.

Cheers!

--The Editirs

Fall 2008

As Career Wraps Up, Rice Claims, “Nobody Could Have Predicted This”

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, who has at her fingertips the daily intelligence briefings from the most extensive intelligence network in the world, has made a political career out of watching world events unfold and later exclaiming, “No one could have predicted this.” Most famously, she uttered this after 9/11, despite intelligence reports detailing the strong possibility of such an attack, and despite the fact that an attempt was indeed made to fly a plane into a nuclear plant as long ago as the 1960’s. Among several other instances, she also uttered this when, in the aftermath of the 2006 Palestinian election, which the US pushed against the wishes of most of the world, Hamas first won, then went to war against Fatah, tearing the Palestinian nation apart.

So, this morning, at a briefing, reporters asked Rice if there was, indeed, anything that a government with the most extensive—and expensive—intelligence service in the world could be expected to know ahead of time. “We believe but are not certain that turmoil will continue in the Middle East at least for the next day or two,” she said. Then, one reporter asked the Secretary of State what seemed like a softball question about the rising of the sun. “No, I don’t think anybody could have predicted that the sun would indeed rise today and shine light all around us. For that matter, who can tell if night will come this evening? If this does indeed happen, I’m not about to say we saw it coming, no sir.” Following a stunned silence, reporters began to file out of the room. Rice called after them, “What do you … or yesterday’s rain! Who could’ve predicted that? OK, well, the weather forecasters, sure, but really, how would anyone know?”

CHRISTMAS 2007

Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership!

The holidays are all about tradition, and one that we’re particularly proud of is our annual president-free noozletter. You’ve no idea of the degree of suffering it takes to give this gift, as there is just so very much to say about the man who, even after seven years sitting atop the world’s largest atomic arsenal, still can’t pronounce the word, “nuclear.” This could explain why North Korea and Iran have seemed so troublesome when asked to give up their “new-cular” programs—they had no idea what he’s talking about. (“Hey, speak ploper Engrish!” a North Korean diplomat was reported to have said). Speaking of gifts, what is the true meaning of the holidays? Why, gifts, of course! The ones you got, the ones you didn’t, the ones you want to give back, and the ones you wish existed. Covering the first two categories, the world got one big fat gift this Christmas, though it meant that Dick Cheney apparently will not get the first item on his list, which was to invade yet another country. (“But, but, but, but, I NEEEEEEED a matching set! Wahhhh!” the vice president is reported to have whined to the president. “What good is Iraq without Iran! I don’t want stinky old Iraq! Take it back,” he pouted.) The vice reportedly threw a 27 minute tantrum in the Oval Office which was interrupted only by the need for doctors to shock his heart back into rhythm. Cheney recovered himself and later announced his holiday plans to, “shoot someone in the face and later maybe see if there are any frozen cadavers in the freezer I can chew on.” In the category of gifts we want to give back, soccer star David Beckham came to the US to play soccer, which was good news for Major League Soccer, but, unfortunately, he brought his wife, Victoria Beckham, a.k.a., Posh Spice. Every time her sneering visage appears perched atop breasts seemingly inflated with some kind of deadly James Bond space compound, her strikingly sharp bones threatening to slice through her incredibly classy neoprene dresses, we turn away in horror and stupefaction screaming, ‘Please, please, let me gaze upon a blazing bus full of orphans instead!” God bless her children. And, finally, in the category of gifts we wish existed, we’d love, just once, to see a dog walking around carrying a Paris Hilton doll. When asked about “Lil’ Paris” the dog would say, “I just like to do her hair up, dress her in little matching outfits, or get her together with my friends’ Barbies, have them do massive amounts of drugs together and sleep with lots of cute guys. Sometimes, she’ll get married for 24 hours, or go through jail, drug rehab and find Jesus.” … Oh, man, would that be cool.

Hoping you get everything YOU want this Christmas!

Cheers! --The Editirs

WINTER 2007

Quotable Nazis

Your BNITL doesn’t do things like other publications. We don’t, for instance, have funnies, a crossword, or Sudoku. However, we’re proud to announce a fun new game called, Quotable Nazis! It works like this: We list a quote, and you decide which of your favorite Nazis wrote it. Today’s list of Nazis includes: Hermann Goering, Dick Cheney, Joseph Goebbels and Karl Rove.

QUOTE: “The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders… All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.”

ANSWER: No, direct-mail wizard and master of spin Karl Rove is incorrect. This was uttered by Hermann Goering.

Q: We will f**k him. Do you hear me? We will f**k him. We will ruin him. Like no one has ever f**ked him."

A: Joseph Goebbels is incorrect. Karl Rove uttered this quote about a political ally who displeased him. With friends like these …

Q: If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”

A: No, Dick Cheney, is not correct, even though he has consistently maintained that there are WMD’s in Iraq, that there were Saddam-9/11 links, and, despite a stunning lack of evidence, has also convinced much of the American public of this. And, no, Karl Rove, who managed to turn war hero John Kerry into a flip-flopping coward in the public’s eye, is incorrect. This statement is by Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels.

Q: “Go f**k yourself.”

A: While Joseph Goebbels undoubtedly said this many times, the f-bomb is a favorite among members of the Bush administration, which, as we will remember, came to the White House pledging to bring decency, meaning, apparently, that instead of f***ing interns, they would simply repress all that love and throw the word around a lot instead while invading countries and killing a lot of people. For the record, Dick Cheney uttered this on the Senate Floor to Patrick Leahy, who had the temerity to ask about Halliburton war profiteering. So, remember: If the f-bomb is dropped, as in, “Man, this administration has really f***ed America over good,” it’s usually a Bush administration person who has said it.

Q: "I've already said too much."

A: Hermann Goering is not correct. Again, while this quote is reminiscent of Sergeant Schultz of “Hogan’s Heroes” fame, and therefore would lead one to believe that a German must have said it, this was Karl Rove to a Time Magazine reporter as he was compromising American intelligence operations by ratting out Valerie Plame.

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