Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership!
As usual, our special holiday gift to you is a president-free noozletter. Otherwise, we’d have to try to figure out why Democrats, safe and strong in their castle, and outnumbering the enemy, consistently lie down and curl up like the Italian army when the word, “Republicans” is mentioned.
Perhaps you weren’t around 2,000 years ago for the miracle birth in the manger. No sweat! Amid historic deficits that threaten to crush the country, Congress is performing its own miracle—it’s providing unemployment benefits by extending tax cuts! Who knew you could actually fund debt with, well, debt? We know! We don’t get it, either! Must have something to do with the mystery and magic of the season. Loaves and fishes? Walking on water? Not bad tricks, Son of Man, but that’s nothing compared with Mom and Dad Congress getting more funds from the Secret Inexhaustible Supply of Magic Money so they can keep buying us Christmas presents!
Happy Holidays!
The Editirs
2010 Commemorative Christmas Plates Are In!
Just in time for the holidays, your BNITL is pleased to make available to you the Official BNITL 2010 Christmas Plate. Our own staff artiste, Clyde Monet, has once again teamed up with the Franklin Mint, the Lennox Collection, the Bradford Exchange, renowned cat artist Nancy Matthews and Thomas Kincaid, Painter of Light, to bring you some wonderful group art, and this is your one-time-only chance to get this sure-to-become-a-classic. Entitled, “Tea Party Elf”, this delightful plate, suitable for holding up to one sizable grape, features an elf for these times. TP the Elf comes dressed in his own Revolutionary War garb, with an oversized belly, ready to take on that pesky ol’ socialist, Santa, who plans to give away things for free! Cutely misreading the Constitution, TP is ready to bring back the original meaning of Christmas, which involved Santa coming down the chimney of the manger and leaving the baby Caucasian Jesus toys under the fir tree, replacing the ones stolen by the Grinch with cooler ones he got just after midnight on Black Friday, and then, with a wink and a smile, slipping past a melted Frosty (who the good Baby Lord Jesus is just about to transform back into a snowman for his first miracle) and then taking off in his sleigh moments before the arrival of the three kings, who were led to Jesus by the bright Christmas light display on the manger.
This limited-edition plate series is sure to increase in value many thousands of times upon purchase. If sold in stores, this instant-classic holiday plate would likely retail for over $6,000. But it’s yours for just $29.95. Order today!
FROSTY SPEAKS
Editirs’ note: You people are sick. We, your editirs, make one—ONE—mistake in all the years we’ve been publishing this august noozletter, and it haunts us each year at this time: Six years ago, we invited an out-of-work Frosty to write what we expected to be a treacly and vaguely Christian take on the holiday, and he turned out to be a crude, bitter malcontent fond of expletives. And you keep demanding his return. Because of you, we recently learned that Frosty is officially on the comeback trail, having been invited to participate on “Dancing With the Stars” as well as to sing his theme song for “American Idol.” The only thing that might prevent these national disasters is the fact that Frosty loathes everyone. So, thank you ALL for your part in coarsening American culture just a bit more. We, as members of the Old Media in these recessionary times, cannot afford to turn our backs on the vox populi, even when it is the potty-mouth vox populi. But, we can add our own wishes for the season before we let Frosty out of his cage once again:
So, Little Drummer Boy, drum on; perhaps your timpanic beat can drown out the din of Frosty’s bombastic ravings. Rudolph, don’t stop at the Island of Misfit Toys just yet; let them live, like Madagascaran megaflora, in splendid isolation just a bit longer. And, good citizens of Whoville, join with us as we raise our voices proudly and sing, “Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas, Come this way!”
Somehow, together, we’ll keep Christmas in our hearts each day. With that, you barbarians, here’s Frosty:
“Yo, s’up? You all back to get yelled at again? Yeah, I see I’ve been doing a whole lot of good these last six years, you dumb—ss crackers. How was Black Friday, anyway? Get everything you needed? Thank God because, sh-t, it’s not like you can buy a flat-screen TV every day, right, fat a--? Put some extra miles on the SUV looking to save eight cents at the next store? Question: DID YOU NOT TAKE MATH IN SCHOOL? Do you have any concept that you suck? Did you make sure to pick up some “green” items to make yourself feel better about your planet-wasting trip? I hope you grabbed yourself up some green toilet paper, as well, for when you sh—your mall-loving diapers when global warming really hits the fan. Yeah, it’s damn funny now, huh? “Hee, hee, I like warmer winters. Hee, hee, maybe the government will do something about it. Hee, hee, I only drove a couple miles.” But that’s because you ain’t a snowman. Your time’s coming, homes, and my puddly, wet a—is going to be having a laugh-jam.
--And, yo, holiday travelers? When’s the last time you flew a plane where the flight attendant was telling everybody, “Oh, my freaking God, there’s so much room in all these empty overhead bins that we might not have enough weight to take off!” Maybe you noticed that people can actually CHECK BAGS. Maybe you’ve noticed that your bag is f---ng huge and you can’t even lift it. And, seriously, what is with the bewildered look when you can’t fit your megaton suitcase into the bin? And, jumping onto the plane before your section is called so you can take somebody else’s overhead bin? Weak like a dead baby seal. Here’s an idea: READ THE LUGGAGE RESTRICTION SIGN. You know, the one RIGHT BESIDE THE GATE ON EVERY FLIGHT YOU’LL EVER TAKE?! Because I’d really, really LIKE TO GET TO MY F---ING DESTINATION!
Look, I got way more than you people can handle, but I have way more important things to do than waste my frosty breath on you cretins. F-Man out.
A special holiday message from our sponsor, the Associated Social Media Companies of America, who’ve generously underwritten this entire issue of the BNITL.
You hear cancer stories and you probably think you’ll die young. Wrong. Americans live an average of 78.4 years. That’s a lot of time to fill up! In colonial America, 40 years was old, and there was all kinds of stuff to do to fill up your time, like churning butter. But, now Americans are wondering, how on earth do I spend all that time? We’re here for you. We’re social media, and we’ll help you never have to think about stuff like the meaning of your existence, your interrelationships with other human beings, and sentences over one line long. This Christmas, give your loved ones the gift of time-chewing electronic interfaces. If they have ‘em already, invite them to play games on Facebook! Text friends and loved ones—incessantly if you have to! Sign ‘em up for Foursquare because, well, who WOULDN’T want to know where you are this very moment? Use Linked In to spam your business contacts with the vital news that you just attended a seminar on social media! Send a text that says it all: “I lv u; mry xmas!”
Otherwise, they’ll be tempted to sit all lonely and quiet with a cup of tea watching the snow fall. So lonely. So very lonely.
Posts
