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Greetings, Loyal Readership!
Today, your editirs would like to use this space to weigh in on a serious matter. To this point in time, we have categorically denied the possibility of UFO’s for all the reasons obvious to anyone but those who, say, think public healthcare is some kind of insidious idea cooked up, variously, by Nazis, communists, gays, black people and evolutionists. To wit: How could UFO’s possibly get here in a universe so vast? Why in heaven’s name would they want to? If they could get here from millions of light-years away, how is it they can’t evade our simple radar systems? How could such advanced spacecraft, able to negotiate aspects of physics and propulsion not even imagined on Earth, manage to get all the way here--and then crash? And, if they could get here, not be detected on radar and not crash, who’s to say they wouldn’t be the size of tiny insects with correspondingly tiny laser weapons that they’re firing constantly, even while we kill them by the millions as we stroll through the yard barefoot, holding a beer?
Bug I: Large pale hairy object approaching! Activate the Almighty Death Weapon!
BUG II: Not the Almighty Death Weapon! It’s never been used and reportedly is so powerful that it could create its own black hole!
BUG I: The object was warned. Activate the ray!
(SFX: Ray being fired.)
BUG I: The ray’s having affect whatsoever! Impossible!
BUG II: It’s been an honor serviing with you, sir! AIIIIEEEEEE!
BUG I: ‘Tis a smelly death. ARRRGH!
(SFX: Tiny, inaudible double splat.)
And yet, Dr. Albert Feckler, BNITL staff scientist from the Univ. of Trout in Trout Hill, MN (“Troutam ad Gloriam”) has come to us with the most compelling theory of the existence of UFO’s we’ve ever seen. Dr. Feckler has been researching the incredibly efficient calorie-ingestion system we enjoy here in 21st century America (otherwise known as eating habits), which is marked by three striking features: One, we expend merely 1/100th of the calories we eat in pursuit of those calories. Two, with cars and automation everywhere, even the most basic form of exercise is entirely optional. And, three, our calories, which used to come dispersed in fruits, nuts, berries and scrawny wild animals, are now super-concentrated in delivery systems as advanced as super-sized colas (it’s far more difficult to drink three cups of sugar in crystal form), triple-cheese bacon burgers and the like. Called the Veal Theory, Dr. Feckler speculates that aliens are fattening us up for eating. … Damn, said we editirs one to the other. The man makes sense! We DO believe in aliens! Next time ET phones home, it’ll be to ask, “May I take your order?”
Bottoms up! --The Editirs
U.S. Considers Pulling out of Afghanistan, American South
Obama administration officials announced today that they are undertaking a “broad reassessment” of America’s foreign commitments. According to one official, , this includes, “Afghanistan and most of the sun belt states.” He continued, “We think a 150-year occupation certainly shows our mettle and desire to help, but it’s clear we’re just not making much of a difference.
“Look, the British were there before we were. The Spanish. The French. All their efforts ended in futility. We might as well face it—the people of that region just don’t want us there. … Oh, and things aren’t going so great in Afghanistan, either.”
The issue, according to administration officials, is that nation-building is now a discredited concept. “A country cannot simply remake the customs and traditions of another country. If people want to live in a gun-filled, violent society where strict religious law supplants the courts and where the most heinous acts are carried out in the name of some vengeful deity, then we should just let the South do what they want. And, let’s be frank: Afghanistan’s not much better.”
Noting the tax collection and federal dollar distribution diparities between red and blue states, the official said, “The American taxpayers have been generous and they have been patient. But in times of fiscal restraint, hard choices have to be made. Look, for 150 years, the United States government has poured American tax dollars into these beleaguered regions, and where has it gotten us? Our tanner neighbors to the vote against just about every sensible thing government does. It’s clear that most of our southern friends simply aren’t interested in environmental regulations, tax reform, global warming, the rule of law, separation of church and state, campaign finance reform or other things governments do. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.” When asked if the latest rancor over healthcare reform was part of the decision, Hall said, “Well, OK, maybe that was the last straw. Maybe the next time they get sick, prayer will save their sorry ass. Look, water under the bridge. We’re pulling out. Start up the helicopters ”
The official continued, “It is the position of this administration that it is the inalienable right of every sovereign nation to determine its own disastrous path. But we want to assure our good friends in Afghanistan and the American sunbelt that we’ll be there with food aid and medical services the next time a disaster strikes … which it will. We won’t forget you. Well, not entirely.”
(PIC: Flag: “Common Sense? Over Our Dead Bodies!”)
Nation Shows Signs of Recovery from Facebook
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today announced that he is confident that the nation is finally emerging from the severe recession. But, he warned, “We must hold certain parties responsible for plunging the country into this crisis. I speak, of course, of Facebook users.”
Bernanke said that, contrary to initial reports, the crisis was not caused by financial firms. “No, it seems the good people at AIG, Merrell Lynch and so on were pretty much just doing their jobs. Facebook was really the sucker punch that took the economy down. All of a sudden, people stopped doing work at work.”
The study concluded that worker productivity dropped an average of 70% during that time, peaking at 99.99%, meaning that at one time, only one in one thousand American workers was actually getting anything done. “The only question,” said, Bernanke, “is, who were these few thousand American workers? Because they pretty much saved the world from economic collapse.”
In an independent survey of the approximately one in one thousand people who did their jobs from January of 2008 through July of 2009, respondents overwhelmingly agreed with the statement:
“I am able to get a lot more work done because friends and family aren’t bothering me with junk e-mail as often. They’re using Facebook to send each other their annoying political diatribes, stupid jokes and nauseating chain mail.”
Based on that research, some experts theorize that Facebook has actually enabled some people --who could not possibly care less about, “what I’m doing right now” and think an appropriate answer might be, “How about going to hell?”--to reach unprecedented levels of job productivity.
While marketing industry professionals have steadily promoted Facebook as a way to get on seminar panels, Bernanke said, they’re ignoring a fundamental business conundrum which he calls the Facebook Contradiction: “People go onto Facebook to network and make business contacts, right? But anyone busy doing business does not have time to be on Facebook. So, it’s kind of like the blind leading the … well, losers. I wish I could be kinder, but think “marriageable prospect” and then think, “singles bar.”
Economists have now coined the term, “Facebook Effect” to explain how low worker productivity led to decreased consumer spending, which in turn led to the slowdown in the manufacturing industry, which led to job loss, which then led to the mortgage crisis.
“We think we’re out of the worst of it now,” said Bernanke, but he cautioned, “If Facebook comes up with a new widget that allows people to engage each other in a new way, we’re most probably toast.”
In a related story, Facebook today announced, “Pet Poo,” an application that allows users to upload and share pictures of their pets’ poop, to name them, cartoonize them, and even make the poo speak. World markets fell at the news.
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