HOLIDAYS 2008- In which Congress finds more money than we have, and Frosty speaks.

Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership! Now, longtime readers of this esteemed publication know that our annual holiday gift to you is a president-free noozletter. However, in response to the imminent departure of the 43rd president, we suppose we should at least raise a flaccid holiday huzzah, as in, “Well, at least he’s leaving only having destroyed MOST things and not EVERYthing. Not for want of trying, of course. (By the way, if you know anyone who voted for him, be sure to never, ever, ever, ever, ever … ever let them forget it, OK?) As his days wind down, it’s like a prison sentence except in reverse, with the entire nation waiting to be sprung.nation enduring the long days until our release. And, as we’ve come to expect, like a very bad cat heading for the little plastic flap cut into the base of the White House front door, he’s peeing in all the corners on the way out, using every device he can muster to give more things to the corporations that have taken such good care of the economy in recent times, and working extra hard to tear down environmental laws that have proven helpful for such quaint things as species preservation and human health. The pee smell will pop up at weird moments for years, but at least we’re rid of that damned cat.

The holidays are also the time for reflecting on the generous giving of others. To wit: Despite record deficits, every day is like Christmas, as Congress and the president have magically come up with a trillion dollars for the Iraq war, and close to another trillion to save bumbling financial giants and buffoonish car makers (abetted by the media repeating the mantra like a brainwashed North Korean prisoner, “They’re too big to fail.”) Now, that’s keeping Christmas in your heart every day of the year! Meanwhile, Congress, featuring cartoon characters such as Barney Frank, lurches about like a desperate drunk in your house, trying to save everything, but instead only breaking things and starting small fires. From ethanol subsidies (whoops, maybe people would prefer to eat that food rather than burn it in a gas tank) to home heating assistance (just in time to watch energy prices plummet), to the idea of combating high gas prices by lowering the federal gas tax (Great thinking! Just what the govt. needs—less money!), Congress is busy proving itself almost nearly just barely useful, but more than happy to keep spending money. Where’s all this money come from? Well, that’s the mystery and magic of the season, for deep down in our hearts, we know it comes from the Man in Red! That would be, of course, Wen Jiabao, premier of China. Yes, Virginia (and the other 49 states), there is a Santa Claus, and he speaks Mandarin. Happy Holidays!— The Editirs

FROSTY SPEAKS … For the Fourth *&^%!—ng Time
To your BNITL’s bemusement, it has become a dubious holiday tradition: In a bizarre twist on the usual Christmas specials filled with laughing elves, magical reindeer and singing, round-headed children, we embarrassedly allow the sclerotic, corpulent, bilious old snowman known as Frosty his forum from which to hurl down his expletive-filled tirades like a blizzard of f-bomb snowflakes. We, your humble editirs, cannot explain our readers’ fascination with this embittered creature and his potty mouth, but, yielding to the millions of letters your noozletter receives, we have brought him back yet again to yell at you.


Yo, s’up? You want to know what’s really frosting my a-- this holiday season? Read it, baby.

Packaging You Have to F---ing Jackhammer Open... In a world that’s running out of oil, what in holy Hades are manufacturers thinking when they use a barrel of light sweet crude to make a bulletproof bubble over every goddamned eight-cent toy? You could f---ing amputate a finger trying to cut through that sh--. And good luck trying to not damage what’s inside.

Radio Stations That Play Non-Stop Christmas music: There’s nothing that can make a snowman puke up his turkey faster than hearing “O Little Town of Bethlehem” eight times before I’m finished with my goddamned Thanksgiving dinner. Corporate pr-cks. And, oh, by the way, did it occur to you that maybe something’s wrong with your whole f----ing radio industry when playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving is the most popular thing you do all year? Didn’t think so.

Cheap-Ass Presents from China: Here’s a bombshell for you: Air pollution from nasty-ass, prisoner-and-child-run Chinese factories takes six days to reach the US. Check out my shoulders. It’s dandruff in reverse. Think a little lead paint in Junior’s toy is your biggest problem? Yeah, asthma-inducing Asian air pollution is totally worth it when you saved 30 bucks on that new flat-screen.

People Who Say They’re Cutting Back for the Holidays: Give me a goddamned break. You’re a goddamned American! You have no f---ing idea how to cut back. What, are you going one size down on the super-maxi-gulp? Seriously, what? With the average American’s credit card debt at $10,000, you actually think you’re picking NOW to cut back? What’s the difference between going bankrupt owing $20,000 and going bankrupt owing $50,000? This is like kids playing make-believe. Yo, hate to tell you this, Junior Luke, but that’s not a real light saber. Eating a bowl of rice a day in goddamned Eritrea is cutting back. Get out of my face.

Snowmobilers Hoping for Snow: This is so mind-meltingly stupid that even I’m almost speechless. That’s like a jackass going hunting one year with a machine gun and mowing down 120 deer and hoping next season will be just as good. God-damn. Listen, Toothless, here’s the deal: CO2 causes global warming. Global warming melts snow. You need snow toyou’re your snow machine. Burning gas produces—oh, forget it. Besides, you don’t need snow to get drunk and run your machine into a tree. You can do that in your pickup.

People Who Catch Colds and Seem to Be Unaware of the Invention of the Tissue: GodDAMN, but do you really think I want to listen to sniffle your snot back into your nose all freaking day?! Who the hell raised you, muculent apes? You’d think the country was suffering from a worldwide tissue shortage. What, do you need an instruction manual? Wait, I’ll write it for you: Pretend your nose is your butt and wipe, moron!

Listen, that’s it for now from the F-Man. I’m off to the mall parking lot to watch holiday drivers do the behind-closed-windows “enraged guy” mime act as they yell at each other from inside their cars. Party on, people.

Fall 2008- In which a gun-toting Alaskan twit competes with the Summer Olympics and Condoleeza Rice to inspire the most vitriol.

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Among such remarkable things as a gun-toting Alaskan twit--who only obtained a passport in 2006, and counted a refueling stop in Ireland as one of the countries she’s visited--being nominated for vice president, we have the Beijing Olympics, where a mere six athletes were busted for the use of illegal substances. This is a poor haul, indeed (though dozens, apparently, flunked the test for activism and were jailed). The reason it’s so disappointing is that we’re deprived of the athletes’ incredibly entertaining denials. So, as with highlight reels, let’s relive some of the great denials of the past. For instance, remember biker Tyler Hamilton? Busted after the last Olympics, he claimed his elevated testosterone levels are due to a phantom twin in the womb. Perfect for the soaps, don’t you think? We could do away with the over-used Evil Twin character: “Joshua, it wasn’t Tyler who killed your beautiful new wife that night . It was … his phantom twin!” Baseball was an Olympic sport for the last time this year, but despite being unemployed, Roger Clemens didn’t participate. Perhaps it is due to the fact that they wouldn’t promise him several hundred thousand dollars per strike, as the Yankees did last season, or maybe it was that pesky steroid thing. If he needs a job, though, the bloated, square-headed Clemens could always score a gig as a float in the Macy’s Day parade alongside his similarly-unemployed brother in ‘roids, Barry Bonds, he of the oddly circular cranium that appears always about to burst, and not with knowledge. They finally a tearful Marion Jones to jail this year, which ranked a zero on the entertainment scale, but at least that episode brought to mind fun memories of her former husband, shot-putter CJ Hunter, who several years ago cried at his Olympic press conference as he said that he would NEVER knowingly take steroids. Yet, he had flunked four tests the previous year! That’s a whole lot of not knowing. Stop us, we might hurt a rib. And that’s really, the point, isn’t it? Righteous indignation is so boring. We don’t demand honesty from our athletes, integrity from our politicians, or a sense of self-preservation from humankind (the disposable Starbucks cup and the green bumper sticker don’t cancel each other out, knucklehead), but as the world inexorably spins down the drain, we absolutely insist that all three entertain us. Hence, Merlene Ottey, the ancient Jamaican sprinter. She insisted that there surely must be a mistake and she’d be happy to take the test again. Sure, after multiple caffeine enemas and a patented Keith Richards-style blood transfusion. Not to mention standing on a street corner holding an empty cup saying, “Say, buddy, can you spare some urine?” Ah, memories! Keep ‘em coming, folks. Please! With gun-toting, oil-loving, absentee-parenting, global-warming-denying yahoos being touted as first-class vice presidential candidates, we need the laughs. God, do we ever.

In the spirit of full disclosure, your editirs categorically deny ever using steroids to enhance performance. Are you kidding? This noozletter sucks!

Cheers—The Editirs



Big Hopes Quickly Fade For Olympic Champions
Medal Winners in Equestrian, Archery, Field Hockey Events Bewildered At Lack of Big Money Offers

For the 29th straight time, US Olympic athletes with high hopes for major endorsement deals have been disappointed. “I’d have thought that after sweeping the Women’s Individual Sabre, we’d at least be on the freakin’ Wheaties box, said gold winner Mariel Zagunis. “But when I got back to my home town, they didn’t even know I’d left.” The Women’s Eight With Coxswain team unanimously agreed, though they conceded that perhaps it was an ominous sign that no one saw their event but judges and a few Chinese prisoners. Vincent Hancock, who took gold in the Men’s Skeet, expressed similar disappointment. “All the training, all the hours, and I’m just going to have to go back to work in the gun shop. I’d think that at least I’d have my own cable show.” The Equestrian Mixed team, which took gold, “thought” they saw Kobe Bryant once in the Olympic Village, but they weren’t sure. In any case, “he didn’t seem interested in comparing medals,” they said. The US took a silver in the Mixed Finn, but Zach Railey said that, far harder than training for it is explaining what it is. His silver effort was aided by the fact that only three people in the world, apparently, participate in the event. “Yeah, but I was NOT going home with the bronze,” said Railey. “No %^$#-ing way.” Embarrassing for the athletes was an unsightly tussle Railey got into with Men’s Double Trap gold winner Walton Eller as they argued over who’s sport was the true “loser sport.” Jason Turner, bronze medal winner in the Men’s 10M Air Pistol event, tried to break it up by firing into the air, but was ignored. “It’s an air gun, but it shoots real bullets, you guys!” he screamed, to no avail.


RICE RECORD REMAINS PERFECT
Secretary of State Forming Entire Career on Fallback Phrase

In the wake of the Russian response to Georgia’s Big Dumb Idea of attacking South Ossetia, a region which has never belonged to Georgia, Condoleeza Rice claimed that the Russian invasion was entirely surprising and unprecedented, despite the fact that the administration had also been trying to make Georgia, which borders Russia, into a NATO ally. “There was simply no way anyone could have seen this coming,” she said, “especially during the Olympics when everyone’s attention was elsewhere.”

With that utterance, Secretary of State Rice, who has at her fingertips the daily intelligence briefings from the most extensive intelligence network in the world, improved her record to a perfect 0-87 in terms of apparently having the slightest idea what’s going on in the world.

Major political figures often leave behind famous quotes in their wake. Abraham Lincoln said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Ronald Reagan said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” Rice will go down in history as the secretary of state who made a political career of out watching world events unfold and later exclaiming, “No one could have predicted this.”

Like a child who utters some phrase to the delight of adults and then chooses to say it again and again (generally to diminished enthusiasm), Rice first tried out her famous phrase after 9/11, when, despite the fact that intelligence reports detailed the strong possibility of such an attack, and despite the fact that an attempt was made to fly a plane into a nuclear plant as long ago as the 1960’s, Rice told the world, “No one could have predicted this.” Seeing how easily this got her off the hook, Rice has employed the phrase dozens of times since then, including in the aftermath of the disastrous 2006 Palestinian election, which the US pushed over the wishes of most of the world and which resulted in Hamas and Fatah tearing the region apart. Like the Bud Light, “Wassup?” the Fonz uttering, “Heyyyyy,” or Gary Coleman asking his TV brother, “What choo talkin’ bout, Willis?” Rice has used her, “No one could have predicted this” at different occasions both public and personal, including the arrival of presents at birthday parties, the arrival of food at dinner parties, and the arrival of invited guests to her own home.

So, this morning, at a briefing, reporters asked Rice if there was, indeed, anything that a government with the most expensive intelligence service in the world could be expected to know ahead of time. “We believe but are not certain that turmoil will continue in the Middle East at least for the next day or two,” she said. Then, one reporter asked the Secretary of State what seemed like a softball question about the rising of the sun. “No, I don’t think anybody could have predicted that the sun would indeed rise today and shine its light all around us. For that matter, who can tell if night will come this evening? If this does indeed happen, I’m not about to say we saw it coming, no sir.”

When asked what she planned to do when the Bush administration leaves office, Rice said, “What? The president only gets two terms? No one could have predicted this.”


McCain Reveals VP Strategy
Once Again, Media Gets it Wrong

Amid a swirl of commentary regarding the reasoning behind his pick of Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain announced today that the reason for choosing Palin was “way simpler than guns or abstinence or oil or disaffected Hillary fans … it’s because she’s 44, you dopes! He then went on to explain the concept of averages. “When I started this campaign, I was 25 years older than my opponent. Then, my opponent made a fatal mistake—he chose an old guy as his running mate, raising his average age to 56. I have deftly swept in for the kill by picking the youngest somewhat qualified person I could find, and now my average age is just 58! Take that, Barack!” McCain denied rumors that he considered asking Lindsay Lohan to be his running mate. Biden, who at 65 is at the official federal retirement age, bristled at being called, “On average, too young for the job.” He told reporters, “I’m old, damn it. I’m old!” McCain also explained that, on average, his team is now 50% less likely to get prostate cancer.

Summer 2008- In Which There is no Energy Crisis, and Scott McClellan mutates....ugh.

BIG ENERGY ISSUE

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Welcome to our Big Energy Issue, in which we take a look at the greatest issue facing humanity, and instead of solving it, make fun of humanity! It’s too easy! What else can one possibly do with a species that has forgotten one of the main things that once separated us from monkeys—the ability to use our two legs to walk! As the world heats up and we run out of oil, we still think the right foot is only good for pressing “gas” or “brake.” And, when we can use drive-throughs or electric sit-down carts in the grocery store to obtain our food, we’re not too sure what the left foot is even good for any more. If anybody’s left leg is withering and falling off like that vestigial tail, please write your BNITL.

As this issue was going to press, we could not help but note two other major developments in the world: Rarely can a country boast one finalist for the year’s Most Fiction-like Absurd Little Dictator-Weenie, but this year, Myanmar has TWO, Senior General Than-Shwe and Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. This year, both are competing hard with perennial favorite Kim Jong-il of North Korea. Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be in the running for the title this year except that our own horse in the race, President Bush, has actually been taking the man seriously, which removes him from comic-book consideration and puts him in the Almost-Like-a-Real-Person category. Note to Bush: He’s loco, amigo! Mucho loco! And crazy people LOVE it when you pay attention to them. Your BNITL wonders if, when Bush talks tough to him, Ahmadinejad swoons and gets flushed.

The other development is the curious mutation of the virus known as Scott McClellan, who, after years of spending his days nesting comfortably in some crevice of President Bush, has now flown free, Alien-like, with a book that rats out everybody who ever was kind to him by not tipping over his petri dish. Which is wrong on so many levels that it’s hard to know where to start. First, he must really need a job. Like, really, really, REALLY need a job. Second, it’s just super-icky when a congenital liar tries to sign up with the other team. It’s like when a geek thinks he can score with the cool kids by giving a fellow geek a wedgie. Nice move; now the geeks hate you, too. Third, all the people who got shat upon for questioning the Iraq war and torture and other early 21^st century absurdist Bush notions are like, “Dude, thanks for coming through right in the nick of time; might’ve helped more when rednecks wanted to kick my teeth in.” Fourth, who the hell rats out their host? Seriously, call in the biologists. Think of any parasite in nature—like those remoras that stick to sharks—do you think they say to the fishing boat, “Hey! Hey you! Right here! We’re right over here! Shoot the shark!” And fifth, let’s just all admit McClellan is a pasty-faced, pudgy albino cowpie and just impossible to like on sight, forget about even waiting until he opens his gaseous little pie hole.

Cheers--
The Editirs

There is No Energy Crisis, Everything A-OK!

American Automobile Usage “Good, Good!”

By Hmong Tribesman, BNITL official White Trash Columnist

(One of the boat people who came to America in the aftermath of the Vietnam War, Hmong Tribesman has spent his time in America diligently observing American culture. However, the Refugee Resettlement Program placed him in a southern trailer park, which has heavily influenced his views on the definition of mainstream American culture. This issue, Mr. Tribesman weighs in on energy.)

Energy crisis?! Hee, hee!

In my thirty-three year here, I have learn much of your privileged class known as White Trash. I have learned of bacon double cheeseburgers, hyphenated shoppers’ paradise known as the Wal-Mart, and your remarkable double-wide! House of paradise. Confederate flag, good, yes! In fact, I have evolved a theory of double: If double, must be good! Ha! Double good! Ha, ha! So, if gas is double price of three years ago, must be good, huh? Yes, yes!

Energy crisis? Hee, hee, there no energy crisis!

Hmong prove it to you. Tell you funny story of NASCAR. Many years ago, I am not NASCAR expert right away ! Ho, ho! No, takes time. In my country, when a car goes by, we ask for ride. Years ago, young Hmong try this at the NASCAR and the cars not only go too fast, but people stop you going to the road to talk to drivers, anyway. Then I begin to see same cars come back again and again. I suspect they are lost. I think perhaps the reason they drive so fast is that they are late for an appointment. Silly Hmong!

Now, years later, Hmong an expert on NASCAR. America is land of plenty! So much gas in US and so little pollution that they invent perfect game of go-round-round-round. So much gas they use it to go nowhere!

There no energy crisis because if there an energy crisis, then America DO something about it, right? Smartest country in the world, right? Smart people not drive cars just for fun, right? Or drive big car when nobody else in it! Or pick up groceries in military vehicle named after oral sex! Or leave lights on all night, use gas in machine to blow grass clippings around, or have stores with doors open on hottest day of summer with a.c. on! No, no! So, if smartest country in the world not think there an energy crisis, there no energy crisis!

Still don’t believe Hmong? Then how about this: If there is a gas crisis, then why my neighbors have so many big cars when they live in small trailer? Wouldn’t it be other way ‘round—live in big house and have small car? Hmong’s case closed.

Planet, In Bid to Save Self, Imposes Gas Tax

Planet Earth today announced that the reason for escalating gas prices was due to its overwhelming desire to save “my sorry ass.” Earth explained to reporters that it was raising the gas tax indefinitely because, “Congress, the President and the American people are either too stupid or chicken sh—scared to do it yourselves.” Earth said, “Damn, you people can do whatever you like, I mean, go extinct for all I care. Ask me if I miss the dinosaurs, seriously. But you’re not taking me down with you.”

Earth said that the simplest explanation is that everything on the planet is finite, and that as resources get more scarce, they get more expensive, but added that, “I don’t think you people even get that concept, that you can actually run out of something. I mean, you actually think it’s a good thing that you’ve melted the Arctic because it means you can extract more oil and gas. Ay-yi-yi. So, I’ve restricted the supply all on my own. Planets can do that, you know. It’s just like I’m raising the gas tax. I raised it several times over the last few years, a little scare here, a little scare there, to give you a chance to clean up your act. But every time it dropped again, what’d you do? That’s right, you bought a new SUV. I swear that mastodons had more on the ball than you people.”

Earth continued, “I mean, for Pete’s sake, you claim you’re all patriotic and hate terrorists and bad guys, but every time you buy gas you’re throwing dollars in the face of some flea-ridden Arab dictatorship that kicks around their own people while using your money to raise the next crop of terrorists. Hey, that “USA” sticker on your F-250 looks great, buddy. I’ve got a long memory, but it’s hard to imagine what life form in my long history was dumber--maybe amoebas?”

Earth explained that there was no limit on the cost of gas. “For all I care, it can go to a thousand bucks a gallon. It’s really up to you guys. I see CO2 dropping, you’ll see gas prices dropping. It’s that simple. I can keep this up as long as you want. Your call, homo sapiens. After all, you’re just one more species to me. I’m kind of looking forward to the day ducks rule the planet. Ducks are kind of cool, and they can’t drive SUV’s. Yeah, I like ducks. … Oh, I wasn’t supposed to let that out, was I?”

Americans Forced to Decide Between Obesity and Fuel

Lament, “Nobody Told Us of This Terrible Choice!”

Pro Football Linemen Particularly At Risk

In the midst of soaring gas prices, it seemed to make sense to turn corn into fuel for America’s vehicles, at least to the nation’s politicians. That is, until people remembered that we eat corn. Now, large Americans with large vehicles are feeling the pinch, making a Sophie’s Choice between feeding their bellies and feeding their fuel tanks. “How will we maintain both our huge vehicles and our huge selves?” a Boise woman lamented. “Don’t make me choose! Don’t!” she cried before breaking down in tears. Ohio resident Bill Manford said, “This is totally bogus. Nobody told us of this so-called fuel problem … well, except for scientists, forecasters, futurists, industry insiders, academics and experts. There’s gotta be another country we can invade.” Members of Congress promised to introduce an Overrule the Laws of Physics bill to create a world in which hugeness can continue indefinitely, but few details were released.

Myanmar Authorities Finally Respond to Cyclone Crisis

Novel Beating Strategy Called a Success

In the aftermath of last May’s Cyclone Nargis, Myanmar’s ruling junta at first deployed some questionable strategies. They initially made it illegal to die via cyclone, and further, had insisted that there was no cyclone. Bloated bodies washing up on river shores proved irresponsive to the diktat, however. Subsequently, a new initiative was briefly floated which blamed the deaths on a “bad head cold going around” but the idea was quickly shot down when it was explained to the junta that, normally, people don’t die of head colds, or exhibit symptoms of drowning when they do.

As worldwide criticism grew, General Hak Soon Thong explained to reporters last week, “We needed a solution, and we needed one fast. So, we thought to ourselves, ‘Let’s play to our strengths. What do we do really well? Then, someone, I think it was General Hot Sock So, said, ‘Well, we beat people,’ and suddenly, it was like the light went off for all of us. We’ve been beating people for decades—people who want democracy, monks, people who want food, people who just want to gather in groups of four or more, you name it. If there’s one thing we know, it’s beatings.”

Calling the new strategy, “Beat the Nation,” the ruling junta subsequently sent soldiers into the streets, roads, and water-filled drainage ditches of Myanmar. “Basically, we’re beating anybody we find,” said Gen. Thong. “It’s so obvious, I’m surprised we didn’t think of it before. Over the years, we’ve gotten quite good at beating people. It’s not a simple thing, you know. There’s a lot of thought that goes into the proper beating of people, especially large groups of people. For instance, if you beat one person a certain way and he falls at your feet, it’s that much harder to get to the next person you need to beat. So, there’s an art to it.”

Now in its fifth month, Myanmar’s rulers report that the beating program has been a smashing success, with many thousands beaten so far. “It’s been very easy. The people are much weaker due to dysentery and lack of food,” said Gen. Thong. The program has been so successful in the cities that the junta has plans to extend the beating program into rural areas. “We think we have a real chance to beat everyone in the country,” said Thong.