EDITIRS’ NOTE:
Greetings, Loyal Readership!
Longtime readers of your BNITL know our unofficial slogan: “We Proudly Hate Everybody!” And with so much stupidity out there, your BNITL will never run out of stuff to write about. It’s like having an unlimited number of freelancers sending an infinite number of stories to us each day. Such a wealth of riches! Where does one start? The Tea Party all by itself could keep us going until the twenty-third century. “Take our country back!” they shout. “From whom, exactly?” we ask. The people you voted into office? TP-ers, you might want to think that one through. Oh, and er, the whole point of the American Revolution (you know, the first one with mostly young skinny guys shooting each other, versus this one with old fat guys dressing in dollar-store Revolutionary War stuff and shooting off their mouths) was that people didn’t have an equal right to vote! Soooooo … is the point now to revolt against … the vote?
OK, well, let’s not get started. We’ll try to be briefer with this next one. Two words: Mark Souder. Eight-term congressman from Indiana. Evangelical Christian. Staunch anti-abortionist and granddad. (Need we add, proud Republican? Didn’t think so). The best part? Big believer in abstinence. Though, apparently only for other people. Turns out Grandpa might’ve benefited from a little abstinence coaching himself, because he couldn’t keep from fooling around on grandma. Seriously, if we didn’t have Republicans for comic relief, who would we have? Oh, that’s right. Tea Partiers.
Because seriously, President GW Obama’s not helping much. In his ongoing serious-as-a heart-attack effort to cater to the 25% of the country that’s completely lost its mind but yells louder than the remaining 75%, he’s doing basically everything President Bush did and STILL they hate him. It’s kind of like that friend you had who kept making a darn fool out of himself as he chased the object of his romantic affections, suffering one humiliation after another. Our advice for the lovelorn White House occupant: Dude, that girl’s not going to go out with you. So, lower the boom box, put away the trench coat, and give it up. On the other hand, the rest of the country may not be pretty, but they’re loyal, steadfast and most of all … NOT COMPLETELY PSYCHO!
In closing, not to go all English teacher on you and all, but your BNITL asks: How can oil “spill” from the bottom of the seafloor?
Cheers—
The Editirs
BNITL Poll: Americans Overwhelmingly Think BP Responsible for Oil Disaster
In a recent poll, 99.99% of Americans pointed at BP as the party responsible for destroying the Gulf of Mexico and what was left of New Orleans. The poll, conducted by staff scientist Albert Feckler of the University of Trout in Trout Hill, MN (“Troutam ad Gloriam”), Americans thought it was, “shameful” (94%), “criminal” (78%) and “disgraceful” (95%).
Joel Warner leaned out of his SUV to shake his fist at a BP gas station while he sat in rush hour traffic. “I’m never buying my snacks there again,” Warner vowed.
Marina Spreehorn, clutching a disposable coffee cup, said, “I’m seriously thinking of donating to Greenpeace.” She applauded Greenpeace’s latest publicity effort, which involved traveling to England (likely by wind power) and climbing BP corporate headquarters in England (presumably using hemp ropes created with solar electricity) to unveil a banner (probably hand-sewn from the wool of free-range sheep) that featured an image of oil dripping from the BP logo (certainly painted with non-toxic dyes) and that (most certainly) was entirely recyclable or at least compostable.
The revulsion crossed all age groups. Clutching her iPod and cell phone, fourteen year old Mary Boltswold said, “I’ve been texting friends constantly about this.”
At a local marina, Chad Brown said, “I read all about it on my new iPad. Happened while we were out water skiing. Damned shame. I mean, my whole family loves water sports, and I can’t imagine going out for a nice ride and seeing all that oil.”
Bart Conner agreed, “I’m a big jet-skier and it would just turn my stomach to have to look at a big puddle of oil in the water.”
Lisa Meeker sported a bumper sticker reading, “BP: Beyond Pitiful” on her Prius. On her way to an anti-big oil rally, Meeker said, “It’s a long drive, but it’s worth it to show those oil people what we really think about them!”
In the poll, Americans overwhelmingly agreed that “something must be done” and further, that, “government or somebody” ought to do it. Martha Crimstone paused atop her riding mower and said, “It’s just depressing. I mean, it follows you wherever you go—on the drive to work; on the TV’s at Best Buy and at McDonald’s, on my podcasts. Sometimes I regret getting the extra hi-def in the kitchen. I mean, it’s just not right to see dead birds while you’re eating your Toaster-Insta-Wafflecakes. We must never allow this to happen again,” she said, clicking her electric garage door opener and riding off.
SIDEBAR: New Orleans street corner jazz musician Harold “Gumbo” Jones said, “Sh-t. Man, you know, the Saints won the Superbowl in January and we were the first championship-winning city in memory not to wreck stuff. Damn, we shoulda just torched everything, you know’m sayin’?
Republican Party Triumphs Latest Sex Scandals
Party Chairman Claims GOP, “On a Roll”
Immediately on the heels of Indiana Congressman Mark Souder’s resignation for marital infidelity with a staff member, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele called a press conference to boast of what he called, “Really, an incredible winning streak” for the GOP.
“Think about it,” said Steele. Just two years ago, things were looking pretty bad with yet another Republican, this time Larry Craig, being busted for homosexual activities in a public restroom. How things change. Now, with Souder’s little tete-a-tete, I’m counting at least five straight hetero scandals in a row! Whoo!”
Steel enumerated these for reporters. “Without even thinking about it, I can name, like, a ton of ‘em.” He then mentioned Mark Sanford, married governor of South Carolina who claimed he was hiking the AT when he was actually having an Argentinian sleepover with his mistress; Chip Pickering (R-MS) who reunited with a high school flame, which is such a great story but for the fact that he’s already married; Nevada Senator John Ensign, who really loved his staffers, one of them in a physical sense who was already married to another staffer; the Los Angeles S&M club episode, during which several high-ranking Republicans used RNC money to pay for their trip to the leathery side; and now representative Souder. “Give me a few minutes and I bet I could come up with a dozen more,” Steele added, with a wink. “And that’s just the ones we know about!”
Steele continued, “You think when the press learned about the strip club that was a LEAK?” My god, no,” Steele said, breaking into laughter and wiping away a tear. “This is awesome. I mean, this is so manly it’s almost frat-boy, I mean, bachelor party, I mean, “HOO-AH! You know what I mean?” Steele then grunted several times and lurched about the podium pumping his fists in the air and high-fiving reporters.
“Seriously, when’s the last time you had a Republican dressing in lady’s clothes? It’s gotta be at least a year. Nobody can call us the GOP—that is, Gay Old Party—any more!”
When questioned about the comparative virility of Republicans and Democrats, Steele added, “Sure, John Edwards fathered a shorty, but just give me some time. There must be some little Republican bastards running around somewhere.”
In light of the recent events, Steele said, the Republican National Committee is considering a new slogan, “Republicans. Hmm-Yeah!”
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