The Baddest Noozletter In the Land

Christmahannukwanzadan Edition

2010-12-21T16:49:00.002-05:00

Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership!

As usual, our special holiday gift to you is a president-free noozletter. Otherwise, we’d have to try to figure out why Democrats, safe and strong in their castle, and outnumbering the enemy, consistently lie down and curl up like the Italian army when the word, “Republicans” is mentioned.

Perhaps you weren’t around 2,000 years ago for the miracle birth in the manger. No sweat! Amid historic deficits that threaten to crush the country, Congress is performing its own miracle—it’s providing unemployment benefits by extending tax cuts! Who knew you could actually fund debt with, well, debt? We know! We don’t get it, either! Must have something to do with the mystery and magic of the season. Loaves and fishes? Walking on water? Not bad tricks, Son of Man, but that’s nothing compared with Mom and Dad Congress getting more funds from the Secret Inexhaustible Supply of Magic Money so they can keep buying us Christmas presents!

Happy Holidays!

The Editirs

2010 Commemorative Christmas Plates Are In!

Just in time for the holidays, your BNITL is pleased to make available to you the Official BNITL 2010 Christmas Plate. Our own staff artiste, Clyde Monet, has once again teamed up with the Franklin Mint, the Lennox Collection, the Bradford Exchange, renowned cat artist Nancy Matthews and Thomas Kincaid, Painter of Light, to bring you some wonderful group art, and this is your one-time-only chance to get this sure-to-become-a-classic. Entitled, “Tea Party Elf”, this delightful plate, suitable for holding up to one sizable grape, features an elf for these times. TP the Elf comes dressed in his own Revolutionary War garb, with an oversized belly, ready to take on that pesky ol’ socialist, Santa, who plans to give away things for free! Cutely misreading the Constitution, TP is ready to bring back the original meaning of Christmas, which involved Santa coming down the chimney of the manger and leaving the baby Caucasian Jesus toys under the fir tree, replacing the ones stolen by the Grinch with cooler ones he got just after midnight on Black Friday, and then, with a wink and a smile, slipping past a melted Frosty (who the good Baby Lord Jesus is just about to transform back into a snowman for his first miracle) and then taking off in his sleigh moments before the arrival of the three kings, who were led to Jesus by the bright Christmas light display on the manger.

This limited-edition plate series is sure to increase in value many thousands of times upon purchase. If sold in stores, this instant-classic holiday plate would likely retail for over $6,000. But it’s yours for just $29.95. Order today!

FROSTY SPEAKS

Editirs’ note: You people are sick. We, your editirs, make one—ONE—mistake in all the years we’ve been publishing this august noozletter, and it haunts us each year at this time: Six years ago, we invited an out-of-work Frosty to write what we expected to be a treacly and vaguely Christian take on the holiday, and he turned out to be a crude, bitter malcontent fond of expletives. And you keep demanding his return. Because of you, we recently learned that Frosty is officially on the comeback trail, having been invited to participate on “Dancing With the Stars” as well as to sing his theme song for “American Idol.” The only thing that might prevent these national disasters is the fact that Frosty loathes everyone. So, thank you ALL for your part in coarsening American culture just a bit more. We, as members of the Old Media in these recessionary times, cannot afford to turn our backs on the vox populi, even when it is the potty-mouth vox populi. But, we can add our own wishes for the season before we let Frosty out of his cage once again:

So, Little Drummer Boy, drum on; perhaps your timpanic beat can drown out the din of Frosty’s bombastic ravings. Rudolph, don’t stop at the Island of Misfit Toys just yet; let them live, like Madagascaran megaflora, in splendid isolation just a bit longer. And, good citizens of Whoville, join with us as we raise our voices proudly and sing, “Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas, Come this way!”

Somehow, together, we’ll keep Christmas in our hearts each day. With that, you barbarians, here’s Frosty:

“Yo, s’up? You all back to get yelled at again? Yeah, I see I’ve been doing a whole lot of good these last six years, you dumb—ss crackers. How was Black Friday, anyway? Get everything you needed? Thank God because, sh-t, it’s not like you can buy a flat-screen TV every day, right, fat a--? Put some extra miles on the SUV looking to save eight cents at the next store? Question: DID YOU NOT TAKE MATH IN SCHOOL? Do you have any concept that you suck? Did you make sure to pick up some “green” items to make yourself feel better about your planet-wasting trip? I hope you grabbed yourself up some green toilet paper, as well, for when you sh—your mall-loving diapers when global warming really hits the fan. Yeah, it’s damn funny now, huh? “Hee, hee, I like warmer winters. Hee, hee, maybe the government will do something about it. Hee, hee, I only drove a couple miles.” But that’s because you ain’t a snowman. Your time’s coming, homes, and my puddly, wet a—is going to be having a laugh-jam.

--And, yo, holiday travelers? When’s the last time you flew a plane where the flight attendant was telling everybody, “Oh, my freaking God, there’s so much room in all these empty overhead bins that we might not have enough weight to take off!” Maybe you noticed that people can actually CHECK BAGS. Maybe you’ve noticed that your bag is f---ng huge and you can’t even lift it. And, seriously, what is with the bewildered look when you can’t fit your megaton suitcase into the bin? And, jumping onto the plane before your section is called so you can take somebody else’s overhead bin? Weak like a dead baby seal. Here’s an idea: READ THE LUGGAGE RESTRICTION SIGN. You know, the one RIGHT BESIDE THE GATE ON EVERY FLIGHT YOU’LL EVER TAKE?! Because I’d really, really LIKE TO GET TO MY F---ING DESTINATION!

Look, I got way more than you people can handle, but I have way more important things to do than waste my frosty breath on you cretins. F-Man out.

A special holiday message from our sponsor, the Associated Social Media Companies of America, who’ve generously underwritten this entire issue of the BNITL.

You hear cancer stories and you probably think you’ll die young. Wrong. Americans live an average of 78.4 years. That’s a lot of time to fill up! In colonial America, 40 years was old, and there was all kinds of stuff to do to fill up your time, like churning butter. But, now Americans are wondering, how on earth do I spend all that time? We’re here for you. We’re social media, and we’ll help you never have to think about stuff like the meaning of your existence, your interrelationships with other human beings, and sentences over one line long. This Christmas, give your loved ones the gift of time-chewing electronic interfaces. If they have ‘em already, invite them to play games on Facebook! Text friends and loved ones—incessantly if you have to! Sign ‘em up for Foursquare because, well, who WOULDN’T want to know where you are this very moment? Use Linked In to spam your business contacts with the vital news that you just attended a seminar on social media! Send a text that says it all: “I lv u; mry xmas!”

Otherwise, they’ll be tempted to sit all lonely and quiet with a cup of tea watching the snow fall. So lonely. So very lonely.

The Not Completely Psycho Edition

2010-07-15T12:52:00.007-04:00

EDITIRS’ NOTE:

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Longtime readers of your BNITL know our unofficial slogan: “We Proudly Hate Everybody!” And with so much stupidity out there, your BNITL will never run out of stuff to write about. It’s like having an unlimited number of freelancers sending an infinite number of stories to us each day. Such a wealth of riches! Where does one start? The Tea Party all by itself could keep us going until the twenty-third century. “Take our country back!” they shout. “From whom, exactly?” we ask. The people you voted into office? TP-ers, you might want to think that one through. Oh, and er, the whole point of the American Revolution (you know, the first one with mostly young skinny guys shooting each other, versus this one with old fat guys dressing in dollar-store Revolutionary War stuff and shooting off their mouths) was that people didn’t have an equal right to vote! Soooooo … is the point now to revolt against … the vote?

OK, well, let’s not get started. We’ll try to be briefer with this next one. Two words: Mark Souder. Eight-term congressman from Indiana. Evangelical Christian. Staunch anti-abortionist and granddad. (Need we add, proud Republican? Didn’t think so). The best part? Big believer in abstinence. Though, apparently only for other people. Turns out Grandpa might’ve benefited from a little abstinence coaching himself, because he couldn’t keep from fooling around on grandma. Seriously, if we didn’t have Republicans for comic relief, who would we have? Oh, that’s right. Tea Partiers.

Because seriously, President GW Obama’s not helping much. In his ongoing serious-as-a heart-attack effort to cater to the 25% of the country that’s completely lost its mind but yells louder than the remaining 75%, he’s doing basically everything President Bush did and STILL they hate him. It’s kind of like that friend you had who kept making a darn fool out of himself as he chased the object of his romantic affections, suffering one humiliation after another. Our advice for the lovelorn White House occupant: Dude, that girl’s not going to go out with you. So, lower the boom box, put away the trench coat, and give it up. On the other hand, the rest of the country may not be pretty, but they’re loyal, steadfast and most of all … NOT COMPLETELY PSYCHO!

In closing, not to go all English teacher on you and all, but your BNITL asks: How can oil “spill” from the bottom of the seafloor?

Cheers—

The Editirs

BNITL Poll: Americans Overwhelmingly Think BP Responsible for Oil Disaster

In a recent poll, 99.99% of Americans pointed at BP as the party responsible for destroying the Gulf of Mexico and what was left of New Orleans. The poll, conducted by staff scientist Albert Feckler of the University of Trout in Trout Hill, MN (“Troutam ad Gloriam”), Americans thought it was, “shameful” (94%), “criminal” (78%) and “disgraceful” (95%).

Joel Warner leaned out of his SUV to shake his fist at a BP gas station while he sat in rush hour traffic. “I’m never buying my snacks there again,” Warner vowed.

Marina Spreehorn, clutching a disposable coffee cup, said, “I’m seriously thinking of donating to Greenpeace.” She applauded Greenpeace’s latest publicity effort, which involved traveling to England (likely by wind power) and climbing BP corporate headquarters in England (presumably using hemp ropes created with solar electricity) to unveil a banner (probably hand-sewn from the wool of free-range sheep) that featured an image of oil dripping from the BP logo (certainly painted with non-toxic dyes) and that (most certainly) was entirely recyclable or at least compostable.

The revulsion crossed all age groups. Clutching her iPod and cell phone, fourteen year old Mary Boltswold said, “I’ve been texting friends constantly about this.”

At a local marina, Chad Brown said, “I read all about it on my new iPad. Happened while we were out water skiing. Damned shame. I mean, my whole family loves water sports, and I can’t imagine going out for a nice ride and seeing all that oil.”

Bart Conner agreed, “I’m a big jet-skier and it would just turn my stomach to have to look at a big puddle of oil in the water.”

Lisa Meeker sported a bumper sticker reading, “BP: Beyond Pitiful” on her Prius. On her way to an anti-big oil rally, Meeker said, “It’s a long drive, but it’s worth it to show those oil people what we really think about them!”

In the poll, Americans overwhelmingly agreed that “something must be done” and further, that, “government or somebody” ought to do it. Martha Crimstone paused atop her riding mower and said, “It’s just depressing. I mean, it follows you wherever you go—on the drive to work; on the TV’s at Best Buy and at McDonald’s, on my podcasts. Sometimes I regret getting the extra hi-def in the kitchen. I mean, it’s just not right to see dead birds while you’re eating your Toaster-Insta-Wafflecakes. We must never allow this to happen again,” she said, clicking her electric garage door opener and riding off.

SIDEBAR: New Orleans street corner jazz musician Harold “Gumbo” Jones said, “Sh-t. Man, you know, the Saints won the Superbowl in January and we were the first championship-winning city in memory not to wreck stuff. Damn, we shoulda just torched everything, you know’m sayin’?

Republican Party Triumphs Latest Sex Scandals

Party Chairman Claims GOP, “On a Roll”

Immediately on the heels of Indiana Congressman Mark Souder’s resignation for marital infidelity with a staff member, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele called a press conference to boast of what he called, “Really, an incredible winning streak” for the GOP.

“Think about it,” said Steele. Just two years ago, things were looking pretty bad with yet another Republican, this time Larry Craig, being busted for homosexual activities in a public restroom. How things change. Now, with Souder’s little tete-a-tete, I’m counting at least five straight hetero scandals in a row! Whoo!”

Steel enumerated these for reporters. “Without even thinking about it, I can name, like, a ton of ‘em.” He then mentioned Mark Sanford, married governor of South Carolina who claimed he was hiking the AT when he was actually having an Argentinian sleepover with his mistress; Chip Pickering (R-MS) who reunited with a high school flame, which is such a great story but for the fact that he’s already married; Nevada Senator John Ensign, who really loved his staffers, one of them in a physical sense who was already married to another staffer; the Los Angeles S&M club episode, during which several high-ranking Republicans used RNC money to pay for their trip to the leathery side; and now representative Souder. “Give me a few minutes and I bet I could come up with a dozen more,” Steele added, with a wink. “And that’s just the ones we know about!”

Steele continued, “You think when the press learned about the strip club that was a LEAK?” My god, no,” Steele said, breaking into laughter and wiping away a tear. “This is awesome. I mean, this is so manly it’s almost frat-boy, I mean, bachelor party, I mean, “HOO-AH! You know what I mean?” Steele then grunted several times and lurched about the podium pumping his fists in the air and high-fiving reporters.

“Seriously, when’s the last time you had a Republican dressing in lady’s clothes? It’s gotta be at least a year. Nobody can call us the GOP—that is, Gay Old Party—any more!”

When questioned about the comparative virility of Republicans and Democrats, Steele added, “Sure, John Edwards fathered a shorty, but just give me some time. There must be some little Republican bastards running around somewhere.”

In light of the recent events, Steele said, the Republican National Committee is considering a new slogan, “Republicans. Hmm-Yeah!”

HOLIDAY EDITION 2009!In Which We Skewer the Holidays, Healthcare Reform and Air Travel

2009-12-03T18:40:00.013-05:00

(Want to see the noozletter in print, the way it was meant to be seen? Find page one HERE and page two HERE...so THERE.)

Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership! And welcome to our big Holiday/ Healthcare issue! But first, a few words of thanks for another wonderful year to some special individuals. Let’s all admit it: In a gross-out horror movie kind of way, the Bush era was kinda fun-. Oh, come on, sure it was! PLUS it met the BNITL entertainment standard, which goes like this: We do not expect our elected officials to look out for the citizenry’s best interests, but we absolutely insist that they entertain us. And, boy did they ever! We had votes to go invade dusty little countries for no discernible reason, yellow-ribbon car magnets, politicians sticking American flag lapel pins on themselves like middle schoolers at a model U.N. conference, torture being discussed as if it were actually a sane option employed by rational people… And then … Obama came along, the man who apparently models himself on the Peanuts character, Linus, he of the Most Sincere Pumpkin Patch ever.

What would happen? Would Fox go silent? Would the Palinish, entitled but entitlement-hating hate lobby somehow realize that a national policy centered on corporate adventurism, creationism, environmental destruction and Dick Cheney’s serious need fro Paxil and warm milk, tire of being poked, like African predators and alpine bears being prepped for a Coliseum matinee, tuck their non-vestigial tails between their legs and decide, “Hey! Maybe someone done us wrong!”

Heck, no! In fact, this year alone, ratings on Fox are up a reported 50% as the nation rallies itself to cast off the shackles of a healthy environment, CO2 limits, the rule of law, and our topic of the season … healthcare reform!
So, we’re off to the races again, except this time on steroids, and (since this is the season for this sort of thing) THANK THE GOOD BABY LORD JESUS! For nothing bores us like the slow corporate takeover of our lives accented by PR-firm-written expressions of outrage by politicians over something like yet another—yawn—corporate banking bonus paid for with taxpayer money.
How boring would it be, for instance, to watch a massive, “It’s OK If You’re Massive, You’ll Get Health Insurance Anyway” plan just slip on through the House, followed by the “No, Go Ahead and Have Another Corn-Syrup Coke, We’ll Take Care of Your Poor Life Choices” add-on from the Senate? All paid for with Chinese money. No, it’s far more interesting to watch the rabid badgers of the right scratch, claw and shriek at President Van Pelt’s mild suggestion of a public option. After all, paying 10%-30% of one’s annual income for the right to be denied coverage is something worth fighting for. Rock on, Tea Party people!

And, our cup runneth over: The health insurance industry, after months of offering mild concessions and buddying up to the administration, couldn’t ignore the full moon forever and sprouted hair, claws and fangs and tore into healthcare reform as if reform were a voluptuous teen making that one bad choice to leave the party and follow that strange noise in the woods. (Best Lie: The public option will be expensive … Uh, compared with what?) Our ribs are sore! (We’ll attribute it to laughter, even if it is a serious disease. Same difference in terms of coverage, anyway).

Many issues ago, your BNITL put out a plea for more funny people to become Republicans, as Republican humor tends to be mean and dumb, like what geeks use on lesser geeks in high school (we will recall the “Obama the Magic Negro” song promoted by the man who actually was being considered as head of the RNC). And, by staking out a position that favors deficits caused by foreign, unexplainable wars but fights healthcare and environmental reform as if it were Santa Ana’s Mexican army coming over the walls of the Alamo determined to take American jobs, well, darn it, Republicans, you’ve done it! You’ve gone and turned funny on us! And so, a sincere thanks from the bottom of our ink-stained little hearts. Your gift of unashamed, straight-faced anything-the-Dems-want-we-want-the-reverse-even-if-that-means-supporting-puppy-crushing is more than we could ever ask for, and we look forward to telling our disbelieving grandchildren every word: Your grandfather walked both ways uphill in a snowstorm to school … and there was once a political party called, “Republicans” that, before going extinct, did and said the most amazing things …”. A very merry Christmas, pachyderms; and thank you for the joy!

Holiday Cheers—
The Editirs

PS: Special anonymous Christmas wish: Please give Joe Lieberman to the Republicans for Christmas.

FROSTY SPEAKS …
For the Fifth *&^%!—ng Time

EDITIRS’ DISCLAIMER: There are so many holiday traditions that are nice, family-friendly, gentle, and G-rated. This, grimly, is not one of them. Your BNITL made a tragic error five years ago this month: We asked an out-of-work Frosty the Snowman to be a guest columnist. His crude, raving take on the holidays shocked and dismayed us, but, call it a kind of black Christmas miracle--the otherwise literate, highly refined readers of this BNITL clamored for more. Each year, as we allow this sclerotic, corpulent, bilious old snowman his forum from which to hurl down his expletive-filled tirades like a blizzard of f-bomb snowballs, we cringe, and we fear we are complicit in the erosion of other fine holiday traditions. But, we have yielded to you, the vox populi, and hence, we’ve brought Frosty back to yell at you again.

Yo, s’up? You want to know what’s really frosting my a—this holiday season? Read it, baby.

Photo Cards: Excuse me? You think snapping a digital photo of your dog with a bow on his stupid head and pre-printing some insipid greeting is a Christmas card? What’s next? Pre-printed thank-you notes?

Guilt Cards: Seriously, losers, what’s up with sending a last-minute guilt card because somebody sent you one? I’m so touched by your writer’s-cramped, “Merry Christmas”. Hey, it’s not a fr---ng NEW YEAR’S card.

Hermetically-Sealed Gifts: Last year, I got on the a—of manufacturers who use half the world’s crude oil to make impenetrable packaging. But here’s the other problem: Say I get one of those dumbf—k packages. The only way to open it is with something sharp, right? Now, say the razor blade I need to cut the impenetrable package open is in another impenetrable package. Who’s f---ed? I’m f---ed! Especially if the first thing is something sharp, like a utility blade, in which case I’m triple-f---ed because I’m fr----ing seriously pissed. Why do people want to f—k the F-Man? Why?

Flying During the Holidays: What is it with you people who march onto a full plane, late, carrying six items, one of them a prize pig with boots on, and expect them to fit in the tiny overhead bin? Why do you always look so surprised? This isn’t 1975, you twit! Newsflash: 200 people had your same idea and took up all the bins with THEIR six items and prize pigs before you. Seriously, what is wrong with you? The goddamned airline has already made us sit and wait while they’re super-gluing on a wing or waking a drunk pilot. What, are you trying to build your own delay? My god, you people should be branded “stupid” on your foreheads and never allowed to fly again. And let me mention the F-Man’s luggage policy: If that bag doesn’t fit in the bin, let me try and fit it up your a--.

Listen, that’s it for now from the F-Man. I’d say, Merry Christmas, but you people will totally find a way to f--k it up for me.

--Frosty

2009 Commemorative Christmas Plates Are In!

Just in time for the holidays, your BNITL is pleased to make available to you the Official BNITL 2009 Christmas Plate. Our own staff artiste, Clyde Monet, has once again teamed up with the Franklin Mint, the Lennox Collection, the Bradford Exchange, renowned cat artist Nancy Matthews and Thomas Kincaid, Painter of Light, to bring you some wonderful group art, and this is your one-time-only chance to get this sure-to-become-a-classic. Entitled, “The Trees’ Christmas”, this delightful plate, suitable for holding up to rectangular cracker, features a playful twist on the tradition of holiday socializing. The artiste described his latest masterwork thusly: “I was just thinking one day, like, what if Christmas trees were in charge of Christmas? What would they have in their living room? Why, a decapitated head, of course! But, you know, I don’t think a decapitated human has to be all nasty or anything. I would totally eat food off that plate.

Monet, BNITL’s staff artiste and keeper of bodily smells, has depicted three trees smoking and having drinks around the head, which sits in a tree stand. Monet said that his plate would appeal to all ages, including children. “Severed heads can be pretty funny if you look at them right. And maybe it’s time we looked at severed heads a little differently, and maybe I’m the guy to do that. A lotta great, like, art can be controversial and sh-t at first.”

This limited-edition plate series is sure to increase in value many thousands of times upon purchase. If sold in stores, this instant-classic holiday plate would likely retail for over $6,000. But it’s yours for just $29.95. Order today!

FALL 2009 In which the Editirs address Afgahnistan, Aliens, Ben Bernake, and Albert Feclker weighs in

2009-10-26T12:12:00.006-04:00

To print page one, click here
To print page two, click here

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Today, your editirs would like to use this space to weigh in on a serious matter. To this point in time, we have categorically denied the possibility of UFO’s for all the reasons obvious to anyone but those who, say, think public healthcare is some kind of insidious idea cooked up, variously, by Nazis, communists, gays, black people and evolutionists. To wit: How could UFO’s possibly get here in a universe so vast? Why in heaven’s name would they want to? If they could get here from millions of light-years away, how is it they can’t evade our simple radar systems? How could such advanced spacecraft, able to negotiate aspects of physics and propulsion not even imagined on Earth, manage to get all the way here--and then crash? And, if they could get here, not be detected on radar and not crash, who’s to say they wouldn’t be the size of tiny insects with correspondingly tiny laser weapons that they’re firing constantly, even while we kill them by the millions as we stroll through the yard barefoot, holding a beer?

Bug I: Large pale hairy object approaching! Activate the Almighty Death Weapon!
BUG II: Not the Almighty Death Weapon! It’s never been used and reportedly is so powerful that it could create its own black hole!
BUG I: The object was warned. Activate the ray!
(SFX: Ray being fired.)
BUG I: The ray’s having affect whatsoever! Impossible!
BUG II: It’s been an honor serviing with you, sir! AIIIIEEEEEE!
BUG I: ‘Tis a smelly death. ARRRGH!
(SFX: Tiny, inaudible double splat.)

And yet, Dr. Albert Feckler, BNITL staff scientist from the Univ. of Trout in Trout Hill, MN (“Troutam ad Gloriam”) has come to us with the most compelling theory of the existence of UFO’s we’ve ever seen. Dr. Feckler has been researching the incredibly efficient calorie-ingestion system we enjoy here in 21st century America (otherwise known as eating habits), which is marked by three striking features: One, we expend merely 1/100th of the calories we eat in pursuit of those calories. Two, with cars and automation everywhere, even the most basic form of exercise is entirely optional. And, three, our calories, which used to come dispersed in fruits, nuts, berries and scrawny wild animals, are now super-concentrated in delivery systems as advanced as super-sized colas (it’s far more difficult to drink three cups of sugar in crystal form), triple-cheese bacon burgers and the like. Called the Veal Theory, Dr. Feckler speculates that aliens are fattening us up for eating. … Damn, said we editirs one to the other. The man makes sense! We DO believe in aliens! Next time ET phones home, it’ll be to ask, “May I take your order?”

Bottoms up! --The Editirs

U.S. Considers Pulling out of Afghanistan, American South

Obama administration officials announced today that they are undertaking a “broad reassessment” of America’s foreign commitments. According to one official, , this includes, “Afghanistan and most of the sun belt states.” He continued, “We think a 150-year occupation certainly shows our mettle and desire to help, but it’s clear we’re just not making much of a difference.

“Look, the British were there before we were. The Spanish. The French. All their efforts ended in futility. We might as well face it—the people of that region just don’t want us there. … Oh, and things aren’t going so great in Afghanistan, either.”

The issue, according to administration officials, is that nation-building is now a discredited concept. “A country cannot simply remake the customs and traditions of another country. If people want to live in a gun-filled, violent society where strict religious law supplants the courts and where the most heinous acts are carried out in the name of some vengeful deity, then we should just let the South do what they want. And, let’s be frank: Afghanistan’s not much better.”

Noting the tax collection and federal dollar distribution diparities between red and blue states, the official said, “The American taxpayers have been generous and they have been patient. But in times of fiscal restraint, hard choices have to be made. Look, for 150 years, the United States government has poured American tax dollars into these beleaguered regions, and where has it gotten us? Our tanner neighbors to the vote against just about every sensible thing government does. It’s clear that most of our southern friends simply aren’t interested in environmental regulations, tax reform, global warming, the rule of law, separation of church and state, campaign finance reform or other things governments do. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

When asked if the latest rancor over healthcare reform was part of the decision, Hall said, “Well, OK, maybe that was the last straw. Maybe the next time they get sick, prayer will save their sorry ass. Look, water under the bridge. We’re pulling out. Start up the helicopters ”

The official continued, “It is the position of this administration that it is the inalienable right of every sovereign nation to determine its own disastrous path. But we want to assure our good friends in Afghanistan and the American sunbelt that we’ll be there with food aid and medical services the next time a disaster strikes … which it will. We won’t forget you. Well, not entirely.”

(PIC: Flag: “Common Sense? Over Our Dead Bodies!”)

Nation Shows Signs of Recovery from Facebook

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today announced that he is confident that the nation is finally emerging from the severe recession. But, he warned, “We must hold certain parties responsible for plunging the country into this crisis. I speak, of course, of Facebook users.”

Bernanke said that, contrary to initial reports, the crisis was not caused by financial firms. “No, it seems the good people at AIG, Merrell Lynch and so on were pretty much just doing their jobs. Facebook was really the sucker punch that took the economy down. All of a sudden, people stopped doing work at work.”

The study concluded that worker productivity dropped an average of 70% during that time, peaking at 99.99%, meaning that at one time, only one in one thousand American workers was actually getting anything done. “The only question,” said, Bernanke, “is, who were these few thousand American workers? Because they pretty much saved the world from economic collapse.”

In an independent survey of the approximately one in one thousand people who did their jobs from January of 2008 through July of 2009, respondents overwhelmingly agreed with the statement:

“I am able to get a lot more work done because friends and family aren’t bothering me with junk e-mail as often. They’re using Facebook to send each other their annoying political diatribes, stupid jokes and nauseating chain mail.”

Based on that research, some experts theorize that Facebook has actually enabled some people --who could not possibly care less about, “what I’m doing right now” and think an appropriate answer might be, “How about going to hell?”--to reach unprecedented levels of job productivity.

While marketing industry professionals have steadily promoted Facebook as a way to get on seminar panels, Bernanke said, they’re ignoring a fundamental business conundrum which he calls the Facebook Contradiction: “People go onto Facebook to network and make business contacts, right? But anyone busy doing business does not have time to be on Facebook. So, it’s kind of like the blind leading the … well, losers. I wish I could be kinder, but think “marriageable prospect” and then think, “singles bar.”

Economists have now coined the term, “Facebook Effect” to explain how low worker productivity led to decreased consumer spending, which in turn led to the slowdown in the manufacturing industry, which led to job loss, which then led to the mortgage crisis.

“We think we’re out of the worst of it now,” said Bernanke, but he cautioned, “If Facebook comes up with a new widget that allows people to engage each other in a new way, we’re most probably toast.”

In a related story, Facebook today announced, “Pet Poo,” an application that allows users to upload and share pictures of their pets’ poop, to name them, cartoonize them, and even make the poo speak. World markets fell at the news.

SPRING 2009

2009-05-04T18:14:00.002-04:00

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Throughout the halls of Congress echoes the cry, “Yes—We—Can … Totally Prove Ourselves Not Up to the Task Of Governing!” While this is likely absurd hyperbole, it’s difficult to recall a time when Washington (the capital, not the District of Columbia, the man or the state) was more dedicated to sheer inanity. Congress, which goes on break more often than flunking college students, left a week before Easter for the “Easter Recess” (must have been a lot of eggs that needed coloring). And the thing is, this is actually good! Because the more they hang around, the more sheer vainglorious vacuity they display as they strut about like peacocks confusing TV cameras for members of the opposite sex. A little less strutting and a lot more, oh, banishment throughout eternity to a distant planet would be most welcome in the case of Nancy Pelosi, who has distinguished her tiny little self by first squashing all talk of investigating the Bush administration’s many “youthful indiscretions” with the law, and now by working to squash all talk of reinstating the assault weapons ban. To paraphrase Randy Newman, “Short people got… big weapons?” With friends like these, who needs Democrats?

Thank goodness the utter craven insipidity knows no party boundaries. Republicans have taken to acting like villains in the old Bat Man TV show, always hatching wacky schemes to try to foul up Batman, aka, the president, and inevitably doomed to be thwarted mostly because they’re just, well, so … unbelievably, irredeemably, irretrievably, inexplicably, bafflingly, confoundingly, bombastically stupid. Holy god these people are stupid. To wit: Republican governors “refusing” stimulus money (while counting on their state legislatures to overrule them). Republican senators voting against the stimulus bill (then returning home bragging about how much money they’re bringing back to their districts). Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, in the tone of an alien pod person mainlining Prozac, telling the nation that monitoring volcanoes is a Democratic waste of taxpayer money (after all, what harm have volcanoes ever done humanity?). And, Republican Congress people trying to pin stimulus money mismanagement on hapless, and (pick your poison) either stupid or corrupt Timothy Geithner (when they voted for the bailout funds without attaching any conditions to prevent morons who mismanage money from mismanaging more money).

On the other hand, what would YOU do if someone took your perfectly respectable party, and, as with a body’s vital fluids, drained it of everything it stood for such as small government, limited foreign intervention, fiscal responsibility and individual rights, and replaced those fluids with simple sugars, caffeine and steroids in the form of religious wackos, rednecks, corporate man-love and wars? Our gosh, what an ugly, lurching critter you’d have created for yourself! (What do zombies always seek? Brains! Coincidence? We think not). So, now, the Republican party apparently stands for the scratch-ticket hope that Obama will stumble into a crisis of his own making (too early to tell, but looking doubtful), or that the Democrats will get fat, happy, shrill and ridiculous (absolutely certain) at which point, the big bloated thing can Franken-walk back in to the party and have the guests say, “Well, hel-LO, handsome!” Doesn’t sound like much of a plan, but then, neither was Iraq, Afghanistan, torture, domestic spying, corporate giveaways, global warming, species extinction, mountain top removal, religious nuts making national policy, and oh, we don’t have enough space in this noozletter to list it all.

This publication has oft stated that we don’t expect our elected officials to actually DO anything for us, but we absolutely insist that they entertain us, and they’re not even doing that these days. They say truth is stranger than fiction. We would add, as well, that it’s a lot stupider. For example: As everything burns right behind them, the increasingly absurdist Congress keeps saying, “Hey, watch this!” and tries to distract us with cheap magic and card tricks such as showering down “outrage” upon AIG, whose bonuses represent about .0000001% of the stimulus money paid out. (How about Congress instead read up on hedge funds and figure out how to fix the SEC, for starters? Just a thought.

The other thing about fiction is that there are usually good guys and bad guys. But in this case, everybody’s just a stupid guy! For instance, to explain the bonuses, AIG’s Edward Liddy told Congress that if AIG didn’t pay out the money, they couldn’t retain the people needed to untangle the mess … that they created in the first place. Meanwhile, AIG’s bonused executives are quitting (thanks for sticking around to bravely clean up the mess, guys!). And AIG is employing more of their big brains (and, naturally, taxpayer money) in their newest strategy—a name change! That should solve everything. Here’s some free advice for AIG: Instead, use the money to bribe the rest of the big brains to leave! Anything. Give ‘em cars, houses, golden parachutes. Like Congress, just get ‘em out of the building. And, here’s a question: Considering that the bailout funds given to AIG now represent several billion more dollars than the company is worth, how is it that AIG was “too big to fail”?. Couldn’t we have just waited and bought it at a fire sale? The government clearly doesn’t know how to bargain-hunt.

Cheers—

The Editirs

Media Finally Achieve Goal of Destroying Economy

Every morning, no matter what news outlet they choose, Americans wake up to the same story line: America’s economy is wretched and we’re terribly screwed (except on Fox, where the story is that America’s economy is wretched and we’re terribly screwed and it is somehow the fault of the Clinton Administration.) After months of daily water-torture repetition, news media representatives jubilantly reported that they’d finally achieved the historic victory over common sense which they so desperately sought: Depressing the living hell out of everybody.

“This is an historic victory,” said a representative from a major TV network. “We’ve driven the world economy into the toilet.”

Representatives of the world’s biggest news outlets, including CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, CNN, the New York Times and others gathered recently to toast their historic victory over the forces of reason. In a joint statement, they claimed, “It’s been a long, hard fight, but we felt that if we just kept our message consistent, eventually we could bring the world economy to its knees.”

The latest economic figures confirmed the victory. “After two years of talking about whether the US was in a recession, the media finally made it come true. Unemployment is up, lending is down, and credit is increasingly hard to obtain. What an amazing day this is,” said an NPR executive.

The victory represented coordination of an “unprecedented level,” said the unnamed TV network executive. “We all had to either stick to the story or the story wouldn’t stick.”

Against all logic, contrary to simple observation, and despite the fact that Americans are better off than at any time in human history, with over nine in ten Americans still employed, the media have managed to persuade the world that Americans are all apparently all going to be shuffling in rags on their way to a soup kitchen, even though the route to that soup kitchen is likely to be a busy highway jammed with expensive SUV’s on their way to work or shopping.

Asked just why the news media had an interest in taking out the world’s economy, another executive said, “Well, it’s all about ratings. 9/11 worked for a while, but people got tired of that always-on-the-edge-of-your-seat thing. Iraq just got on people’s nerves after awhile. It’s really too much to ask Britney Spears to carry the load—I mean, how many problems can one woman have? And, even though it was a great four years, the presidential campaign had to end some time. But comparing minor economic woes to the Great Depression, now that was a story with legs. It seems that people just can’t get enough of misery. Our ratings are through the roof!”

The conference ended on a jubilant note, with a CBS vice president exulting, “Internet, Shminternet. I think we’ve put to rest the rumors about the decline of old media. Let’s see a bunch of bloggers in bathrobes take down the entire world economy!”

Republican Party Supports Affirmative Action for Republican Party

In a policy turnaround, over the last several months, the Republican party has enthusiastically embraced affirmative action—for the Republican party. Despite a long history of decrying the purported excesses of a system that allegedly awards jobs or slots in college based on race or gender versus talent, the GOP has changed course “If women and minorities are to compete on an equal footing with Anglo-Saxon men in the Republican party, they need a hand up,” said party spokesman Chad Smith. Smith vigorously denied that the sudden elevation of previously unknown figures such as Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal and Michael Steele had anything to do with the fact that the Democrats now feature such prominent figures as Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. Smith further claimed, “This is nothing like, say, the comics where you have, like a bad Spider-Man taking on the good version, or the anti-Wonder Woman who dresses in black and a little slutty.” Despite the fact that the RNC apparently sprung Alan Keyes from the crazy house to run against Obama for the Illinois Senate seat in 2004, Smith said, “I categorically deny that Alan had his own cape made for the campaign. And yes, it certainly IS the widlest coincidence that the very best Republican candidate in all of Illinois (pop. 12,852,548) just happened to be another black man.”

While he vigorously disputed the notion that the new Republican affirmative action initiative was really racial quotas in disguise, Smith did say, “If you have dark skin and a foreign-sounding name, basically you’re in like Flynn—or should I say, “Semooch Vijay Abdallah Chang Flynn” he added, laughing. Smith also called, “unfounded” the rumor that, if Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal wasn’t available to deliver the opposing viewpoint to the president’s first major speech, the next Republican minority anyone could find was an assistant county representative to the Nebraska state Republican party named Chet Wang.

However, in what may be a setback for the Republican party, national census polling data show that, in the wake of national exposure surrounding Jindal, Steele, and Palin, apparently, fewer Americans are identifying themselves as Indian, black or female.

THE BEST OF BUSH

2009-05-01T18:31:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Was it really just eight years that G.W. Bush was our president? Seriously? Because it felt like several lifetimes. Which, we guess, proves there is a bright side to the Bush administration: If you’ve ever wanted to live for all eternity, it certainly seems like we did during the Bush years. God-damn, but was that a long time! Clearly, immortality is not all it’s cracked up to be.

In the spirit of living forever, and the spirit of laziness, your BNITL editirs have culled our favorite stories from the Bush Reign, and we’ll be releasing them all year in this, the FYPB (first year post-Bush). If you ever feel like life is moving too fast, just read one and relive the agony all over again.

Cheers!

--The Editirs

Fall 2008

As Career Wraps Up, Rice Claims, “Nobody Could Have Predicted This”

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, who has at her fingertips the daily intelligence briefings from the most extensive intelligence network in the world, has made a political career out of watching world events unfold and later exclaiming, “No one could have predicted this.” Most famously, she uttered this after 9/11, despite intelligence reports detailing the strong possibility of such an attack, and despite the fact that an attempt was indeed made to fly a plane into a nuclear plant as long ago as the 1960’s. Among several other instances, she also uttered this when, in the aftermath of the 2006 Palestinian election, which the US pushed against the wishes of most of the world, Hamas first won, then went to war against Fatah, tearing the Palestinian nation apart.

So, this morning, at a briefing, reporters asked Rice if there was, indeed, anything that a government with the most extensive—and expensive—intelligence service in the world could be expected to know ahead of time. “We believe but are not certain that turmoil will continue in the Middle East at least for the next day or two,” she said. Then, one reporter asked the Secretary of State what seemed like a softball question about the rising of the sun. “No, I don’t think anybody could have predicted that the sun would indeed rise today and shine light all around us. For that matter, who can tell if night will come this evening? If this does indeed happen, I’m not about to say we saw it coming, no sir.” Following a stunned silence, reporters began to file out of the room. Rice called after them, “What do you … or yesterday’s rain! Who could’ve predicted that? OK, well, the weather forecasters, sure, but really, how would anyone know?”

CHRISTMAS 2007

Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership!

The holidays are all about tradition, and one that we’re particularly proud of is our annual president-free noozletter. You’ve no idea of the degree of suffering it takes to give this gift, as there is just so very much to say about the man who, even after seven years sitting atop the world’s largest atomic arsenal, still can’t pronounce the word, “nuclear.” This could explain why North Korea and Iran have seemed so troublesome when asked to give up their “new-cular” programs—they had no idea what he’s talking about. (“Hey, speak ploper Engrish!” a North Korean diplomat was reported to have said). Speaking of gifts, what is the true meaning of the holidays? Why, gifts, of course! The ones you got, the ones you didn’t, the ones you want to give back, and the ones you wish existed. Covering the first two categories, the world got one big fat gift this Christmas, though it meant that Dick Cheney apparently will not get the first item on his list, which was to invade yet another country. (“But, but, but, but, I NEEEEEEED a matching set! Wahhhh!” the vice president is reported to have whined to the president. “What good is Iraq without Iran! I don’t want stinky old Iraq! Take it back,” he pouted.) The vice reportedly threw a 27 minute tantrum in the Oval Office which was interrupted only by the need for doctors to shock his heart back into rhythm. Cheney recovered himself and later announced his holiday plans to, “shoot someone in the face and later maybe see if there are any frozen cadavers in the freezer I can chew on.” In the category of gifts we want to give back, soccer star David Beckham came to the US to play soccer, which was good news for Major League Soccer, but, unfortunately, he brought his wife, Victoria Beckham, a.k.a., Posh Spice. Every time her sneering visage appears perched atop breasts seemingly inflated with some kind of deadly James Bond space compound, her strikingly sharp bones threatening to slice through her incredibly classy neoprene dresses, we turn away in horror and stupefaction screaming, ‘Please, please, let me gaze upon a blazing bus full of orphans instead!” God bless her children. And, finally, in the category of gifts we wish existed, we’d love, just once, to see a dog walking around carrying a Paris Hilton doll. When asked about “Lil’ Paris” the dog would say, “I just like to do her hair up, dress her in little matching outfits, or get her together with my friends’ Barbies, have them do massive amounts of drugs together and sleep with lots of cute guys. Sometimes, she’ll get married for 24 hours, or go through jail, drug rehab and find Jesus.” … Oh, man, would that be cool.

Hoping you get everything YOU want this Christmas!

Cheers! --The Editirs

WINTER 2007

Quotable Nazis

Your BNITL doesn’t do things like other publications. We don’t, for instance, have funnies, a crossword, or Sudoku. However, we’re proud to announce a fun new game called, Quotable Nazis! It works like this: We list a quote, and you decide which of your favorite Nazis wrote it. Today’s list of Nazis includes: Hermann Goering, Dick Cheney, Joseph Goebbels and Karl Rove.

QUOTE: “The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders… All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.”

ANSWER: No, direct-mail wizard and master of spin Karl Rove is incorrect. This was uttered by Hermann Goering.

Q: We will f**k him. Do you hear me? We will f**k him. We will ruin him. Like no one has ever f**ked him."

A: Joseph Goebbels is incorrect. Karl Rove uttered this quote about a political ally who displeased him. With friends like these …

Q: If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”

A: No, Dick Cheney, is not correct, even though he has consistently maintained that there are WMD’s in Iraq, that there were Saddam-9/11 links, and, despite a stunning lack of evidence, has also convinced much of the American public of this. And, no, Karl Rove, who managed to turn war hero John Kerry into a flip-flopping coward in the public’s eye, is incorrect. This statement is by Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels.

Q: “Go f**k yourself.”

A: While Joseph Goebbels undoubtedly said this many times, the f-bomb is a favorite among members of the Bush administration, which, as we will remember, came to the White House pledging to bring decency, meaning, apparently, that instead of f***ing interns, they would simply repress all that love and throw the word around a lot instead while invading countries and killing a lot of people. For the record, Dick Cheney uttered this on the Senate Floor to Patrick Leahy, who had the temerity to ask about Halliburton war profiteering. So, remember: If the f-bomb is dropped, as in, “Man, this administration has really f***ed America over good,” it’s usually a Bush administration person who has said it.

Q: "I've already said too much."

A: Hermann Goering is not correct. Again, while this quote is reminiscent of Sergeant Schultz of “Hogan’s Heroes” fame, and therefore would lead one to believe that a German must have said it, this was Karl Rove to a Time Magazine reporter as he was compromising American intelligence operations by ratting out Valerie Plame.

Thanks for playing!

HOLIDAYS 2008- In which Congress finds more money than we have, and Frosty speaks.

2008-12-18T17:16:00.005-05:00

Seasoned Greetings, Loyal Readership! Now, longtime readers of this esteemed publication know that our annual holiday gift to you is a president-free noozletter. However, in response to the imminent departure of the 43rd president, we suppose we should at least raise a flaccid holiday huzzah, as in, “Well, at least he’s leaving only having destroyed MOST things and not EVERYthing. Not for want of trying, of course. (By the way, if you know anyone who voted for him, be sure to never, ever, ever, ever, ever … ever let them forget it, OK?) As his days wind down, it’s like a prison sentence except in reverse, with the entire nation waiting to be sprung.nation enduring the long days until our release. And, as we’ve come to expect, like a very bad cat heading for the little plastic flap cut into the base of the White House front door, he’s peeing in all the corners on the way out, using every device he can muster to give more things to the corporations that have taken such good care of the economy in recent times, and working extra hard to tear down environmental laws that have proven helpful for such quaint things as species preservation and human health. The pee smell will pop up at weird moments for years, but at least we’re rid of that damned cat.

The holidays are also the time for reflecting on the generous giving of others. To wit: Despite record deficits, every day is like Christmas, as Congress and the president have magically come up with a trillion dollars for the Iraq war, and close to another trillion to save bumbling financial giants and buffoonish car makers (abetted by the media repeating the mantra like a brainwashed North Korean prisoner, “They’re too big to fail.”) Now, that’s keeping Christmas in your heart every day of the year! Meanwhile, Congress, featuring cartoon characters such as Barney Frank, lurches about like a desperate drunk in your house, trying to save everything, but instead only breaking things and starting small fires. From ethanol subsidies (whoops, maybe people would prefer to eat that food rather than burn it in a gas tank) to home heating assistance (just in time to watch energy prices plummet), to the idea of combating high gas prices by lowering the federal gas tax (Great thinking! Just what the govt. needs—less money!), Congress is busy proving itself almost nearly just barely useful, but more than happy to keep spending money. Where’s all this money come from? Well, that’s the mystery and magic of the season, for deep down in our hearts, we know it comes from the Man in Red! That would be, of course, Wen Jiabao, premier of China. Yes, Virginia (and the other 49 states), there is a Santa Claus, and he speaks Mandarin. Happy Holidays!— The Editirs

FROSTY SPEAKS … For the Fourth *&^%!—ng Time
To your BNITL’s bemusement, it has become a dubious holiday tradition: In a bizarre twist on the usual Christmas specials filled with laughing elves, magical reindeer and singing, round-headed children, we embarrassedly allow the sclerotic, corpulent, bilious old snowman known as Frosty his forum from which to hurl down his expletive-filled tirades like a blizzard of f-bomb snowflakes. We, your humble editirs, cannot explain our readers’ fascination with this embittered creature and his potty mouth, but, yielding to the millions of letters your noozletter receives, we have brought him back yet again to yell at you.

Yo, s’up? You want to know what’s really frosting my a-- this holiday season? Read it, baby.

Packaging You Have to F---ing Jackhammer Open... In a world that’s running out of oil, what in holy Hades are manufacturers thinking when they use a barrel of light sweet crude to make a bulletproof bubble over every goddamned eight-cent toy? You could f---ing amputate a finger trying to cut through that sh--. And good luck trying to not damage what’s inside.

Radio Stations That Play Non-Stop Christmas music: There’s nothing that can make a snowman puke up his turkey faster than hearing “O Little Town of Bethlehem” eight times before I’m finished with my goddamned Thanksgiving dinner. Corporate pr-cks. And, oh, by the way, did it occur to you that maybe something’s wrong with your whole f----ing radio industry when playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving is the most popular thing you do all year? Didn’t think so.

Cheap-Ass Presents from China: Here’s a bombshell for you: Air pollution from nasty-ass, prisoner-and-child-run Chinese factories takes six days to reach the US. Check out my shoulders. It’s dandruff in reverse. Think a little lead paint in Junior’s toy is your biggest problem? Yeah, asthma-inducing Asian air pollution is totally worth it when you saved 30 bucks on that new flat-screen.

People Who Say They’re Cutting Back for the Holidays: Give me a goddamned break. You’re a goddamned American! You have no f---ing idea how to cut back. What, are you going one size down on the super-maxi-gulp? Seriously, what? With the average American’s credit card debt at $10,000, you actually think you’re picking NOW to cut back? What’s the difference between going bankrupt owing $20,000 and going bankrupt owing $50,000? This is like kids playing make-believe. Yo, hate to tell you this, Junior Luke, but that’s not a real light saber. Eating a bowl of rice a day in goddamned Eritrea is cutting back. Get out of my face.

Snowmobilers Hoping for Snow: This is so mind-meltingly stupid that even I’m almost speechless. That’s like a jackass going hunting one year with a machine gun and mowing down 120 deer and hoping next season will be just as good. God-damn. Listen, Toothless, here’s the deal: CO2 causes global warming. Global warming melts snow. You need snow toyou’re your snow machine. Burning gas produces—oh, forget it. Besides, you don’t need snow to get drunk and run your machine into a tree. You can do that in your pickup.

People Who Catch Colds and Seem to Be Unaware of the Invention of the Tissue: GodDAMN, but do you really think I want to listen to sniffle your snot back into your nose all freaking day?! Who the hell raised you, muculent apes? You’d think the country was suffering from a worldwide tissue shortage. What, do you need an instruction manual? Wait, I’ll write it for you: Pretend your nose is your butt and wipe, moron!

Listen, that’s it for now from the F-Man. I’m off to the mall parking lot to watch holiday drivers do the behind-closed-windows “enraged guy” mime act as they yell at each other from inside their cars. Party on, people.

Fall 2008- In which a gun-toting Alaskan twit competes with the Summer Olympics and Condoleeza Rice to inspire the most vitriol.

2008-09-24T11:51:00.003-04:00

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Among such remarkable things as a gun-toting Alaskan twit--who only obtained a passport in 2006, and counted a refueling stop in Ireland as one of the countries she’s visited--being nominated for vice president, we have the Beijing Olympics, where a mere six athletes were busted for the use of illegal substances. This is a poor haul, indeed (though dozens, apparently, flunked the test for activism and were jailed). The reason it’s so disappointing is that we’re deprived of the athletes’ incredibly entertaining denials. So, as with highlight reels, let’s relive some of the great denials of the past. For instance, remember biker Tyler Hamilton? Busted after the last Olympics, he claimed his elevated testosterone levels are due to a phantom twin in the womb. Perfect for the soaps, don’t you think? We could do away with the over-used Evil Twin character: “Joshua, it wasn’t Tyler who killed your beautiful new wife that night . It was … his phantom twin!” Baseball was an Olympic sport for the last time this year, but despite being unemployed, Roger Clemens didn’t participate. Perhaps it is due to the fact that they wouldn’t promise him several hundred thousand dollars per strike, as the Yankees did last season, or maybe it was that pesky steroid thing. If he needs a job, though, the bloated, square-headed Clemens could always score a gig as a float in the Macy’s Day parade alongside his similarly-unemployed brother in ‘roids, Barry Bonds, he of the oddly circular cranium that appears always about to burst, and not with knowledge. They finally a tearful Marion Jones to jail this year, which ranked a zero on the entertainment scale, but at least that episode brought to mind fun memories of her former husband, shot-putter CJ Hunter, who several years ago cried at his Olympic press conference as he said that he would NEVER knowingly take steroids. Yet, he had flunked four tests the previous year! That’s a whole lot of not knowing. Stop us, we might hurt a rib. And that’s really, the point, isn’t it? Righteous indignation is so boring. We don’t demand honesty from our athletes, integrity from our politicians, or a sense of self-preservation from humankind (the disposable Starbucks cup and the green bumper sticker don’t cancel each other out, knucklehead), but as the world inexorably spins down the drain, we absolutely insist that all three entertain us. Hence, Merlene Ottey, the ancient Jamaican sprinter. She insisted that there surely must be a mistake and she’d be happy to take the test again. Sure, after multiple caffeine enemas and a patented Keith Richards-style blood transfusion. Not to mention standing on a street corner holding an empty cup saying, “Say, buddy, can you spare some urine?” Ah, memories! Keep ‘em coming, folks. Please! With gun-toting, oil-loving, absentee-parenting, global-warming-denying yahoos being touted as first-class vice presidential candidates, we need the laughs. God, do we ever.

In the spirit of full disclosure, your editirs categorically deny ever using steroids to enhance performance. Are you kidding? This noozletter sucks!

Cheers—The Editirs

Big Hopes Quickly Fade For Olympic Champions
Medal Winners in Equestrian, Archery, Field Hockey Events Bewildered At Lack of Big Money Offers

For the 29th straight time, US Olympic athletes with high hopes for major endorsement deals have been disappointed. “I’d have thought that after sweeping the Women’s Individual Sabre, we’d at least be on the freakin’ Wheaties box, said gold winner Mariel Zagunis. “But when I got back to my home town, they didn’t even know I’d left.” The Women’s Eight With Coxswain team unanimously agreed, though they conceded that perhaps it was an ominous sign that no one saw their event but judges and a few Chinese prisoners. Vincent Hancock, who took gold in the Men’s Skeet, expressed similar disappointment. “All the training, all the hours, and I’m just going to have to go back to work in the gun shop. I’d think that at least I’d have my own cable show.” The Equestrian Mixed team, which took gold, “thought” they saw Kobe Bryant once in the Olympic Village, but they weren’t sure. In any case, “he didn’t seem interested in comparing medals,” they said. The US took a silver in the Mixed Finn, but Zach Railey said that, far harder than training for it is explaining what it is. His silver effort was aided by the fact that only three people in the world, apparently, participate in the event. “Yeah, but I was NOT going home with the bronze,” said Railey. “No %^$#-ing way.” Embarrassing for the athletes was an unsightly tussle Railey got into with Men’s Double Trap gold winner Walton Eller as they argued over who’s sport was the true “loser sport.” Jason Turner, bronze medal winner in the Men’s 10M Air Pistol event, tried to break it up by firing into the air, but was ignored. “It’s an air gun, but it shoots real bullets, you guys!” he screamed, to no avail.

RICE RECORD REMAINS PERFECT
Secretary of State Forming Entire Career on Fallback Phrase

In the wake of the Russian response to Georgia’s Big Dumb Idea of attacking South Ossetia, a region which has never belonged to Georgia, Condoleeza Rice claimed that the Russian invasion was entirely surprising and unprecedented, despite the fact that the administration had also been trying to make Georgia, which borders Russia, into a NATO ally. “There was simply no way anyone could have seen this coming,” she said, “especially during the Olympics when everyone’s attention was elsewhere.”

With that utterance, Secretary of State Rice, who has at her fingertips the daily intelligence briefings from the most extensive intelligence network in the world, improved her record to a perfect 0-87 in terms of apparently having the slightest idea what’s going on in the world.

Major political figures often leave behind famous quotes in their wake. Abraham Lincoln said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Ronald Reagan said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” Rice will go down in history as the secretary of state who made a political career of out watching world events unfold and later exclaiming, “No one could have predicted this.”

Like a child who utters some phrase to the delight of adults and then chooses to say it again and again (generally to diminished enthusiasm), Rice first tried out her famous phrase after 9/11, when, despite the fact that intelligence reports detailed the strong possibility of such an attack, and despite the fact that an attempt was made to fly a plane into a nuclear plant as long ago as the 1960’s, Rice told the world, “No one could have predicted this.” Seeing how easily this got her off the hook, Rice has employed the phrase dozens of times since then, including in the aftermath of the disastrous 2006 Palestinian election, which the US pushed over the wishes of most of the world and which resulted in Hamas and Fatah tearing the region apart. Like the Bud Light, “Wassup?” the Fonz uttering, “Heyyyyy,” or Gary Coleman asking his TV brother, “What choo talkin’ bout, Willis?” Rice has used her, “No one could have predicted this” at different occasions both public and personal, including the arrival of presents at birthday parties, the arrival of food at dinner parties, and the arrival of invited guests to her own home.

So, this morning, at a briefing, reporters asked Rice if there was, indeed, anything that a government with the most expensive intelligence service in the world could be expected to know ahead of time. “We believe but are not certain that turmoil will continue in the Middle East at least for the next day or two,” she said. Then, one reporter asked the Secretary of State what seemed like a softball question about the rising of the sun. “No, I don’t think anybody could have predicted that the sun would indeed rise today and shine its light all around us. For that matter, who can tell if night will come this evening? If this does indeed happen, I’m not about to say we saw it coming, no sir.”

When asked what she planned to do when the Bush administration leaves office, Rice said, “What? The president only gets two terms? No one could have predicted this.”

McCain Reveals VP Strategy
Once Again, Media Gets it Wrong

Amid a swirl of commentary regarding the reasoning behind his pick of Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain announced today that the reason for choosing Palin was “way simpler than guns or abstinence or oil or disaffected Hillary fans … it’s because she’s 44, you dopes! He then went on to explain the concept of averages. “When I started this campaign, I was 25 years older than my opponent. Then, my opponent made a fatal mistake—he chose an old guy as his running mate, raising his average age to 56. I have deftly swept in for the kill by picking the youngest somewhat qualified person I could find, and now my average age is just 58! Take that, Barack!” McCain denied rumors that he considered asking Lindsay Lohan to be his running mate. Biden, who at 65 is at the official federal retirement age, bristled at being called, “On average, too young for the job.” He told reporters, “I’m old, damn it. I’m old!” McCain also explained that, on average, his team is now 50% less likely to get prostate cancer.

Summer 2008- In Which There is no Energy Crisis, and Scott McClellan mutates....ugh.

2008-06-15T22:28:00.000-04:00

BIG ENERGY ISSUE

Greetings, Loyal Readership!

Welcome to our Big Energy Issue, in which we take a look at the greatest issue facing humanity, and instead of solving it, make fun of humanity! It’s too easy! What else can one possibly do with a species that has forgotten one of the main things that once separated us from monkeys—the ability to use our two legs to walk! As the world heats up and we run out of oil, we still think the right foot is only good for pressing “gas” or “brake.” And, when we can use drive-throughs or electric sit-down carts in the grocery store to obtain our food, we’re not too sure what the left foot is even good for any more. If anybody’s left leg is withering and falling off like that vestigial tail, please write your BNITL.

As this issue was going to press, we could not help but note two other major developments in the world: Rarely can a country boast one finalist for the year’s Most Fiction-like Absurd Little Dictator-Weenie, but this year, Myanmar has TWO, Senior General Than-Shwe and Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. This year, both are competing hard with perennial favorite Kim Jong-il of North Korea. Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be in the running for the title this year except that our own horse in the race, President Bush, has actually been taking the man seriously, which removes him from comic-book consideration and puts him in the Almost-Like-a-Real-Person category. Note to Bush: He’s loco, amigo! Mucho loco! And crazy people LOVE it when you pay attention to them. Your BNITL wonders if, when Bush talks tough to him, Ahmadinejad swoons and gets flushed.

The other development is the curious mutation of the virus known as Scott McClellan, who, after years of spending his days nesting comfortably in some crevice of President Bush, has now flown free, Alien-like, with a book that rats out everybody who ever was kind to him by not tipping over his petri dish. Which is wrong on so many levels that it’s hard to know where to start. First, he must really need a job. Like, really, really, REALLY need a job. Second, it’s just super-icky when a congenital liar tries to sign up with the other team. It’s like when a geek thinks he can score with the cool kids by giving a fellow geek a wedgie. Nice move; now the geeks hate you, too. Third, all the people who got shat upon for questioning the Iraq war and torture and other early 21^st century absurdist Bush notions are like, “Dude, thanks for coming through right in the nick of time; might’ve helped more when rednecks wanted to kick my teeth in.” Fourth, who the hell rats out their host? Seriously, call in the biologists. Think of any parasite in nature—like those remoras that stick to sharks—do you think they say to the fishing boat, “Hey! Hey you! Right here! We’re right over here! Shoot the shark!” And fifth, let’s just all admit McClellan is a pasty-faced, pudgy albino cowpie and just impossible to like on sight, forget about even waiting until he opens his gaseous little pie hole.

Cheers--
The Editirs

There is No Energy Crisis, Everything A-OK!

American Automobile Usage “Good, Good!”

By Hmong Tribesman, BNITL official White Trash Columnist

(One of the boat people who came to America in the aftermath of the Vietnam War, Hmong Tribesman has spent his time in America diligently observing American culture. However, the Refugee Resettlement Program placed him in a southern trailer park, which has heavily influenced his views on the definition of mainstream American culture. This issue, Mr. Tribesman weighs in on energy.)

Energy crisis?! Hee, hee!

In my thirty-three year here, I have learn much of your privileged class known as White Trash. I have learned of bacon double cheeseburgers, hyphenated shoppers’ paradise known as the Wal-Mart, and your remarkable double-wide! House of paradise. Confederate flag, good, yes! In fact, I have evolved a theory of double: If double, must be good! Ha! Double good! Ha, ha! So, if gas is double price of three years ago, must be good, huh? Yes, yes!

Energy crisis? Hee, hee, there no energy crisis!

Hmong prove it to you. Tell you funny story of NASCAR. Many years ago, I am not NASCAR expert right away ! Ho, ho! No, takes time. In my country, when a car goes by, we ask for ride. Years ago, young Hmong try this at the NASCAR and the cars not only go too fast, but people stop you going to the road to talk to drivers, anyway. Then I begin to see same cars come back again and again. I suspect they are lost. I think perhaps the reason they drive so fast is that they are late for an appointment. Silly Hmong!

Now, years later, Hmong an expert on NASCAR. America is land of plenty! So much gas in US and so little pollution that they invent perfect game of go-round-round-round. So much gas they use it to go nowhere!

There no energy crisis because if there an energy crisis, then America DO something about it, right? Smartest country in the world, right? Smart people not drive cars just for fun, right? Or drive big car when nobody else in it! Or pick up groceries in military vehicle named after oral sex! Or leave lights on all night, use gas in machine to blow grass clippings around, or have stores with doors open on hottest day of summer with a.c. on! No, no! So, if smartest country in the world not think there an energy crisis, there no energy crisis!

Still don’t believe Hmong? Then how about this: If there is a gas crisis, then why my neighbors have so many big cars when they live in small trailer? Wouldn’t it be other way ‘round—live in big house and have small car? Hmong’s case closed.

Planet, In Bid to Save Self, Imposes Gas Tax

Planet Earth today announced that the reason for escalating gas prices was due to its overwhelming desire to save “my sorry ass.” Earth explained to reporters that it was raising the gas tax indefinitely because, “Congress, the President and the American people are either too stupid or chicken sh—scared to do it yourselves.” Earth said, “Damn, you people can do whatever you like, I mean, go extinct for all I care. Ask me if I miss the dinosaurs, seriously. But you’re not taking me down with you.”

Earth said that the simplest explanation is that everything on the planet is finite, and that as resources get more scarce, they get more expensive, but added that, “I don’t think you people even get that concept, that you can actually run out of something. I mean, you actually think it’s a good thing that you’ve melted the Arctic because it means you can extract more oil and gas. Ay-yi-yi. So, I’ve restricted the supply all on my own. Planets can do that, you know. It’s just like I’m raising the gas tax. I raised it several times over the last few years, a little scare here, a little scare there, to give you a chance to clean up your act. But every time it dropped again, what’d you do? That’s right, you bought a new SUV. I swear that mastodons had more on the ball than you people.”

Earth continued, “I mean, for Pete’s sake, you claim you’re all patriotic and hate terrorists and bad guys, but every time you buy gas you’re throwing dollars in the face of some flea-ridden Arab dictatorship that kicks around their own people while using your money to raise the next crop of terrorists. Hey, that “USA” sticker on your F-250 looks great, buddy. I’ve got a long memory, but it’s hard to imagine what life form in my long history was dumber--maybe amoebas?”

Earth explained that there was no limit on the cost of gas. “For all I care, it can go to a thousand bucks a gallon. It’s really up to you guys. I see CO2 dropping, you’ll see gas prices dropping. It’s that simple. I can keep this up as long as you want. Your call, homo sapiens. After all, you’re just one more species to me. I’m kind of looking forward to the day ducks rule the planet. Ducks are kind of cool, and they can’t drive SUV’s. Yeah, I like ducks. … Oh, I wasn’t supposed to let that out, was I?”

Americans Forced to Decide Between Obesity and Fuel

Lament, “Nobody Told Us of This Terrible Choice!”

Pro Football Linemen Particularly At Risk

In the midst of soaring gas prices, it seemed to make sense to turn corn into fuel for America’s vehicles, at least to the nation’s politicians. That is, until people remembered that we eat corn. Now, large Americans with large vehicles are feeling the pinch, making a Sophie’s Choice between feeding their bellies and feeding their fuel tanks. “How will we maintain both our huge vehicles and our huge selves?” a Boise woman lamented. “Don’t make me choose! Don’t!” she cried before breaking down in tears. Ohio resident Bill Manford said, “This is totally bogus. Nobody told us of this so-called fuel problem … well, except for scientists, forecasters, futurists, industry insiders, academics and experts. There’s gotta be another country we can invade.” Members of Congress promised to introduce an Overrule the Laws of Physics bill to create a world in which hugeness can continue indefinitely, but few details were released.

Myanmar Authorities Finally Respond to Cyclone Crisis

Novel Beating Strategy Called a Success

In the aftermath of last May’s Cyclone Nargis, Myanmar’s ruling junta at first deployed some questionable strategies. They initially made it illegal to die via cyclone, and further, had insisted that there was no cyclone. Bloated bodies washing up on river shores proved irresponsive to the diktat, however. Subsequently, a new initiative was briefly floated which blamed the deaths on a “bad head cold going around” but the idea was quickly shot down when it was explained to the junta that, normally, people don’t die of head colds, or exhibit symptoms of drowning when they do.

As worldwide criticism grew, General Hak Soon Thong explained to reporters last week, “We needed a solution, and we needed one fast. So, we thought to ourselves, ‘Let’s play to our strengths. What do we do really well? Then, someone, I think it was General Hot Sock So, said, ‘Well, we beat people,’ and suddenly, it was like the light went off for all of us. We’ve been beating people for decades—people who want democracy, monks, people who want food, people who just want to gather in groups of four or more, you name it. If there’s one thing we know, it’s beatings.”

Calling the new strategy, “Beat the Nation,” the ruling junta subsequently sent soldiers into the streets, roads, and water-filled drainage ditches of Myanmar. “Basically, we’re beating anybody we find,” said Gen. Thong. “It’s so obvious, I’m surprised we didn’t think of it before. Over the years, we’ve gotten quite good at beating people. It’s not a simple thing, you know. There’s a lot of thought that goes into the proper beating of people, especially large groups of people. For instance, if you beat one person a certain way and he falls at your feet, it’s that much harder to get to the next person you need to beat. So, there’s an art to it.”

Now in its fifth month, Myanmar’s rulers report that the beating program has been a smashing success, with many thousands beaten so far. “It’s been very easy. The people are much weaker due to dysentery and lack of food,” said Gen. Thong. The program has been so successful in the cities that the junta has plans to extend the beating program into rural areas. “We think we have a real chance to beat everyone in the country,” said Thong.

The Summer Issue: In which Supermarket Grazers earn their just rewards, Terrorists get their wires crossed, and Pluto vents.

2007-09-05T15:18:00.000-04:00

Happy Summer, Loyal Readership!

With the increasing tragi-comic multi-car pileup known as the Bush administration unfolding in slow-motion daily all around us (gee, mightn’t it have been a swell idea to spend some of that Iraq money on, oh, say a bridge in Minnesota?), it seems a particularly good time to pause for a moment to pick on someone else. After all, for all their corporation-loving, their environment- hating, their economy-killing, their lying, corruption and power-grabbing, their bizarre attraction to torture and spying, and their pure, 90-proof evil, at the end of the day, the thing that sticks out is just how utterly dumb this current administration is. As in, God-DAMN these people are dumb! State schools and community colleges can stand prouder today: Most of these people went to Ivies. The American people expect much better: If our elected officials are going to be evil and corrupt, at least they could be smart. But it seems that if the current administration didn’t find politics, they’d likely be unemployable. So when Karl Rove shuffles his irrepressibly doughy, slug-like body out the door (to “spend time with his family”—this man has a family?! Since when did he undergo mitosis?), it’s hard to get too excited. It’s more like, oh, who cares, and, by the way, thanks for sticking us with Iraq. Especially knowing he’s only liable to pucker up one of his many glands and excrete something book that’ll earn him another million dollars.

And so, this issue’s designated whipping boy, picked from a hat including dozens of suspects including SUV drivers, people who drive while talking on cell phones, and people who drive SUV’s while talking on cell phones, is … supermarket grazers! So many prisoner abuses at Abu Ghraib, so many stateside cases of police brutality—all making for terribly PR. Our humble solution is to turn the bad apples in the armed forces and law enforcement on those who stick their grubby little mitts into every available food bin in the supermarket and stuff their hippie-smudged, student-smug or adipose-puffed cheeks and bovinely masticate away, usually talking with their mouths full, to boot. Would anyone really care if one of these people were water-boarded or plugged in like an electrical appliance? Would fellow shoppers do anything other than clap if an unarmed grazer went down in a hail of excessive bullets? Of course not! This way, “interrogation” techniques could be safely and humanely tested out on a population that is ALWAYS GUILTY! Who, after all, brings their own food into a supermarket? And one or two daily shootings would make waiting in the “someone-must-be-filming-this” self-checkout line so much more entertaining while you stand in your own purgatory as the person in front of you for reasons unfathomable to mankind (and most monkeys), cannot seem to find the bar code.

Speaking of People Who Need Some Form of Corporal Punishment, your BNITL also gives a big shout-out to all the sub-intelligent who bought into sub-prime mortgages. Oh, sure, it’s de rigeur to blame “predatory lenders” who are miserable, wretched and none-too-bright in their own right, but it’s like the crystal meth rednecks like so much: Just because somebody’s offering doesn’t mean you have to mainline an ARM into your arm. So, party on, people, but it sure would’ve been nice if you didn’t drag the stock market down with you. Because it means we’re somehow attached to these dopes! Ick! It’s like some bizarre-o dream where you find yourself stuck at a party with a bunch of people you don’t like and you didn’t want to go there in the first place, and now you can’t leave. As the anti-Bush bumper stickers proclaim, “WTF?”
Cheers!
--The Editirs

Suicide Bomber Kills 14 Suicide Bombers: Insurgents Call Incident, “One Dumb-Ass Mistake, For Sure”

A suicide bomber walked into a secret bomb-making factory in Bakuba, Iraq yesterday and detonated himself, killing 14 other suicide bombers who were also strapped with explosives and awaiting the day’s instructions. A spokesman for the insurgent group responsible released a statement apologizing to the other insurgent group, saying, “This unfortunate incident was our bad, totally.”

Apparently, the taxi driver who transported the suicide bomber was confused about the address. His dispatcher said, “Well, it would help if, as everybody’s blowing the country up, they could leave the numbers on the buildings.” Nevertheless, both insurgent groups agreed on the fate of the taxi driver: “We shall take revenge on him and on the next 9 generations of his family,” they said in a statement, “after checking, of course, to ensure that he is not part of any other terrorist groups. We would not like to make a similar mistake to the one we just experienced.”

Experts said that this sort of incident is likely to be repeated with greater frequency as the Bush administration’s surge successfully creates more insurgents by the day. One intelligence analyst noted that, in a lesser-known explosion last week, a car packed with explosives blew up another car packed with explosives as the two drivers argued with great urgency about a particular parking space each wanted, even though there were many others available on the street. Apparently, both bombers were targeting the same building. According to onlookers, one driver was shouting to the other, “Look, you spawn of the ox, I must have this space right now or—“ then his car exploded into a fireball, triggering the explosion of the second car. No passing insurgents were hurt in the blast.

In what the White House cited as positive news from Iraq, the otherwise moribund Iraq economy is doing a brisk business in used car sales. President Bush proudly told reporters. “Yeah, strangest thing, but apparently, they can’t buy them up fast enough,” he said.

As for the suicide-bombing incident, according to tribal custom, the bomber’s clan must now give up 28 suicide bombers in payment for blowing up the 14. “We’ll scramble, for sure,” said the insurgent spokesman, “though, I hope they give us a few days. Suicide bombers don’t just grow on trees. And we’re not sure if it’s enough to have our suicide bombers blow themselves up as an act of contrition, or whether the other clan wants to kill them instead. Seems like a waste of suicide bombers, you know?”

One Year Later, Planet Pluto Breaks Silence: Says He’s “Wicked Pissed” at Astronomers’ Snub, Vows Revenge

On the one-year anniversary of his demotion from planet status, Pluto gave an exclusive interview to the BNITL. Still seething, Pluto spoke of his immediate and long-term plans.

BNITL: What was your initial reaction to your re-classification?

PLUTO: Disbelief. Dis-freakin’-belief. But then, I shoulda seen this coming.

BNITL: How’s that?

PLUTO: Well, first, Walt Disney names a canine mental incompetent after me. Hey, I was named for the god of the underworld, pal! People fear Pluto, dig? They don’t fear some dog who plays second-fiddle to a castrato mouse!

BNITL: You’re obviously a proud planet.

PLUTO: Damn right. I’ll confide in you: This is a blow to the P-man. Used to be I had no problem with the lady planets. They’d be like, “Ooh, Pluto, you’re so dark and mysterious” and I’m all like, “Ladies, size don’t matter. Let’s you and me check out the dark side of the moon.” Now, even asteroids like, zip right by like they ain’t got the time.

BNITL: Do you think this was a deliberate effort at character assassination?

PLUTO: Hell, yeah. This is like baby names. One year they’re in, next year they’re out. First, everybody was like, yo, P, how ‘bout you just change your name to something, you know, smaller? You know, like Cupid, something little and cute. I’m all like, “No way. I’m the P. I was named Pluto for a reason, ‘cause I’m big and bad and scary. Ain’t nobody named no planet after Apollo, dig? Dude wears a toga. So, when I wouldn’t change my name, they’re like, fine, you can be Pluto but you ain’t no planet. I tell you, I about busted a volcano right there. Suddenly, it was like hunting season for the P. Tear Pluto down, diss the planet. Leno, Letterman, everybody was ganging up on the P. Yo, what am I, Gary Coleman?

BNITL: What’s next for you?

PLUTO: First chance I get, I’m busting loose of this gravitational prison I’ve been in for 4 billion years, I’m comin’ for planet Earth (yeah, that’s original, right, name your planet after DIRT), and I’m gonna slam my big Pluto ass into Earth. We’ll see how small y’all think I am then. Show y’all what it’s like to be bitch-slapped by a PLANET. A Roman god-of-the-underworld planet. Bitch.”